Grateful to be Divorced

11/28/19 22:34 East Northport: Thanksgiving

I love my children.  Being divorced has strained my relationship at one time or another with all or a few of my kids.  They are not kids or children, but young adults.  Their ages are, 25, 23, 18 and 16.  My oldest is attending North Eastern Law, the second oldest will take a semester off from Stony Brook, my 18 year-old attends LaSell University and my 16 year-old attends high school.  Soon after being kicked out, I was told that I will always be the “bad guy” in my children's eyes and my 23 year-old said, “Dad, you’re never going to win.”  It took many months to shake off the belief that my kids were going to love me, regardless of how their mother may have felt.  I ignored their feelings, I tried to hide from their suffering.  We are still suffering in our own ways, and yet I have to say, I am grateful for being divorced.  I don’t mean to suggest for a moment, that I don’t care about my kids, I do.  They may not want to accept that.  I remind myself, I will always be the bad guy and I will never win.  It’s like a broken record.  Most of them do not recognize the good in me.  I know I am a good, decent man who had made mistakes.  But I am not the person who raised them when they were younger.  I was more selfish and lived with a lot fear and anxiety. Insecurities were over flowing from my cup and I fought like hell to keep some order in the house.  I was strict at times, but not always.  I shirked responsibilities like a pro. There was manipulation and passive aggressive tactics, that made my head spin, most of this was directed to my ex.  There was deceit.  There was a compartmentalized life that was out of control.  There was no direction, I was not sure who I was, but I knew deep down I was not happy.  I was not happy with my life.  And I sought to run and escape in many different forms that were not creative or that did not express self-love and self-compassion.  Only after the divorce and joining a 12 step program have I learned not be fearful.  Fearful of other’s opinions.  Including my children.  I am learning how to appreciate and value the life I am creating for myself.  I am taking care of myself through better eating, exercise, meditation and listening to motivational podcasts.   I have met someone for the first time, me.  I have met another for the first time, a woman who I love, adore and respect.  Meli has helped me on this path and we walk it together as best friends.  There will be bumps in the road and there will be the insecurities, but as long as I am aware of my thought patterns and protect myself from unhealthy thoughts or toxic people, I will be in a better place.  We look forward to sharing our lives together and welcome our family to take part.  On December 29^th, Meli and I are getting married.  I am looking forward to sharing my life with my best friend.  We will both be free to discover the joys in life.  I could not experience anything like this before.  I have a new freedom.  Instead of living for the acceptance or insatiable recognition from others, the answer as my Zen teacher said, is within.  Here's some advise dear reader, stop living in fear and jump into the world.  It is a beautiful place to discover; if you open your heart and mind.

Thank you for reading this.

Being a divorced Dad

11/10/19 23:23 East Northport, NY

My dad has some nuggets of wisdom from time to time.  Tonight before I came to bed, he suggested I pray the serenity prayer.  For those who are not familiar with it: God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.  Thy will not mine be done.  The prayer is used in 12 steps rooms and has helped me when I feel there is little more I can do, expect to pray and to accept the circumstances.  This weekend has been emotional.  Last night I had dinner with Amanda and Joey and felt we ended the night in a positive way.  But there was little communication from either of them today, I was not sure what to expect.  I had dinner with Emma Tess who has been with me through thick and thin, there was not one moment when she made an ultimatum, it’s either us or her.  And both Meli and I know how the divorce is still fresh and painful, but we are making plans to marry.  I asked her last January if she would marry me, so it should not be a surprise to any of my children that we will get married.  I listened to their fears.  I know they love me, but I don’t like hearing, if I really loved them, I would not get married.  The fear is that I will go away and not be a part of their lives.  The move to Pennsylvania was not easy since I was moving away from my parents, sisters and more importantly my children, but it is more expensive to live here and they understand, but it doesn’t make it any easier.  I can’t run out to pick up Bella from school if she needs me; it will take more than three hours – at least – to get to her.  But I have not abandoned them. Yes, I live in Pennsylvania, but I am still part of their lives – as best as I can be and as best as they want me in their lives.  I visit Long Island at least every other week and see the kids, the one or ones willing to see me.  So, it’s true, the serenity prayer is perfect for tonight, especially knowing most of my children are suffering in their own way, with the divorce, with knowing I am engaged and with the possibility, I will be married to someone other than their mom.  I will always be there for each of them as much as they are willing to accept me for who I am and who I choose to be with.

Thank you for reading this.

Krishna Das in NYC and talking to my kids about getting married...again

11/9/19 21:47 East Northport, NY

What a day.  From picking up Lou and Cheri and driving into the city to see Krishna Das earlier today.  I know my bro so well.  We had made plans, I’ll pick him and Cheri up at 10:00 and we will drive into the city.  It was cheaper and faster than taking the bus.  I know him.  There was a text at 0800 and then the call I was expecting.  It was at 9:00.  Did you check Waze for how long it will take? He asked.  No, but I figured I’ll turn it on when I get to your house.  I knew he wanted to leave earlier, this was the reason for the call.  Even Cheri told me later that she asked him not to call me.  But here he was. I told him, I was about to jump onto the shower and I’ll be over as soon as possible.  OK, good he said. And to their credit, my friends sprinted out of their door and we were off to the city.  This was not the typical KD concert which we knew, this was different.  This was Shree Hanumaan Chaaleesaa.  It was a special prayer that should be chanted 100 times in the native language.  For instance, Bala budhi vidyaa dehu mohin harahu kalesa bikaara, which means, “Grant me strength, intelligence and wisdom and remove my impurities and sorrows.”  The event was for three hours.  Most of the leaders were women who had beautiful voices.  The band was incredible.  A holy air reverberated within the old church on West 86^th Street.  Although we botched up the language, we sang with pure hearts. 

I had dinner with Amanda and Joe in Smithtown.  It was an open dialogue, honest conversation.  We discussed what is happening in our lives.  Amanda will fly off to France very soon.  I am heading to Mexico.  Amanda asked how the visa process was for Meli.  I explained how Meli and I have two choices, either a fiancé visa or a spousal visa.  The fiancé visa process is very risky, so I may have to get married out of the country.  Overall, they want to be involved and would like to meet Meli before we get married.  Based on the current immigration policies, this may be a stretch, but I have to say there was no anger.  We had an open and honest chat.  There is still a lot that needs to be processed.  We ended the night with hugs and love, but there is still pain from the past and some fear of the future. 

Thank you for reading this.

I can be a DJ on WDIY

10/11/19 22:12 Bethlehem, PA

Listening to Betty Carter’s 30 Years.  I remember playing this for Ali.  Betty was singing about how her husband was leaving her after 30 Years.  We’ve been together for 30 Years, I love you, don’t go.  Thinking about last Saturday night when the six of us ate together for the first time in almost 2 and a half years.  Sitting across from my ex.  Both of us at times rolling our eyes at something one of our kids said.  I’m curious how she is doing.  How is she coping?  We spoke a couple of weeks back and I opened up.  She is aware I am in a 12 step program and was happy to hear of my progress and yet she was upset that I could not be sober while we were married.  And we move on.  I asked if she had dated, and she went back to being cautious, I refuse to answer that question.  I was at a meeting tonight.  There is strength in the rooms, vulnerability, confusion and I’m struck with how similar our stories are.  So many times I can relate, nod in agreement, yes.  I was there.  I felt the same way, thought the same and this is why we are together.  I live in a room in Bethlehem for a reason.  There are choices to make each day and especially at night and tonight I chose to be in a room in another town.  It was worth the drive.  I stopped at an ice cream place which I have passed each time I went to the meeting and thought I will buy a shake on my way home.  Tonight was the night.  A pumpkin shake.  The dark blue sky over the black hills.  It's cooler, getting colder. The radio was playing Betty Carter, WDIY and one of the guys in the room had a WDIY t-shirt on.  Maybe I can be a DJ on the radio station and play eclectic music?  I can read poetry and quotes from Pema Chodrin Thomas Merton or a Zen koan.  I wish I was on the radio and can share some thoughts.  It will be at night, after midnight and there will be a dozen or so listening to my show.  From time to time I will ask if they have a request, but I’m only playing the song if it’s cool.  I recognize the caller, she wants to hear something lame.  No, not playing it.  I get back on.  So, dear listeners, let us now listen to The Clash, Broadway.

Thank you for reading

Grateful for my ex-wife

           You may have noticed there have been minimal entries on this blog.  Starting today, that is going to change.  Funny, I have seen too many entries in stale blogs that started this way, the blogger regretting not posting as much and perhaps not writing as much? 

There are reasons for not posting which I will describe in some detail for you.  I’ve been writing for this blog and have a few that I may post at a later date, but I wanted to get this one out today.  I’ve thought about it for a few weeks and here we go.

Ali and I are in the process of a divorce.  A former therapist and perhaps an attorney would suggest I use the phrase, “We have come to a mutual decision that our marriage should come to an end.”  Sounds formal.  It does not explain what occurred or why or who is to blame.  Let me be clear, I accept responsibility for my behavior that led to this “mutual decision.”  Let’s move on.

Instead of explaining what happened, I would like to say that I appreciate the years I had with Ali.  I was a witness, watching a shy 18-year-old teenager become an articulate and strong woman.  I watched how she grew from a timid and insecure young mother, not sure if our children would love her - to a mom with wealth of knowledge, love and compassion.  The children adore their mom.  I want to say, thank you for your mothering and raising four incredible individuals.

I want to thank her for the years we had together.  There were some rough patches when my fear and insecurities were evident and I was harsh to her and the children at times.  I would not put myself in the category as abusive, but on occasions I was harsh. 

  Throughout the years, we had some amazing memories, sitting outside in those summer nights and waiting for a shooting star, sitting in the shallow water and watching the minnow’s nipple on our feet and legs.  Spending time at her grandparent’s house, learning what being a family was all about - in the Italian tradition.  The decades of New Year’s Eve’s at her parents, starting at Nana and Pop’s and the trips we took with her parents into NYC, DC and Baltimore.  Add all of the trips to Disney World, cruises, auto trains, I cherish those times.  I miss those times and miss my family.

I was grateful waking up next to Ali.  Not too happy when she woke me up with her snores, but I enjoyed watching her sleep in.  I enjoyed making her laugh which was difficult to do, but she has a great laugh and when her giggling starts, it does not stop!  I’m going to miss those opportunities.  I hope she shares her laughter will someone else when she feels the time is right.

I am grateful to have had wife like Ali.  She was a good friend and I hope eventually, we can maintain some kind of friendship.  Tomorrow, will be two weeks since we signed the divorce paperwork.  Afterwards, we walked outside together to the hot parking lot, both of us cried and held each other.  I told her that she’s moving on.  We’re both moving on.  She’s in the process of buying her first home, within the school district which she serves a board member and keeping Joe and Bella in-place to graduate with their friends and classmates.  She's holding so much together and yet it was time for our marriage to end with the stroke up a pen.  In six to eight months, on a cold winter day, we will be officially divorced.  

          Thank you for reading this.