Six Months since I saw my wife due to Covid

 

9/6/20 19:13 Home

Tomorrow will be six months since my wife and I waved goodbye at the airport in Mexico City.  I planned to work in Mexico City last month, my director gave me permission, but the cases of Covid in Mexico were too high.  The plan also involved me staying in quarantine for at least ten days in an Airbnb and then staying at Meli’s apartment with her roommate.  The three of us would work, using the apartment’s Wi-Fi which let’s face it, is not the best.  But it was an opportunity to be with my wife.  We both want to see each other.  We scrapped the plan and have tentative plans for November or Christmas.  Everything depends on the Covid status, both here in Pennsylvania and in Mexico.

In some ways, the distance and the lack of travel has had a strain on the relationship.  And yet, we are committed to each other and to the marriage.  Neither of us is wondering what did we get ourselves into.  But the Covid factor has brought bouts of anxiety and depression.  We have survived six months and can go longer if necessary, the saving grace if the spousal visa is being processed and more importantly we have faith.

We have attended church on Sunday, Passion City Church and we have heard messages that have touched our hearts and souls and have given us the strength to keep going.  Life will be rough, but we will survive and be stronger for it.   

This has also been a good time to discuss our relationship.  There are some key differences, age, culture, height and my wives’ taste for mindless movies.  We are making plans for the house, plans for our weekends, growing a garden and even getting a dog.  To give you an example, each time I am out on a run and see something beautiful, I wish my wife was with me.  I am saving these places in my memory and want to share all of them when we are together.  There are a lot of beautiful places in this area.  I just hope I can remember how I got to them. 

The house is coming along and I am taking it slowly since we own the house and no one is making me do anything.  You know what I mean.  I want to convert to gas, redo the floors, new windows, and I have to take it one project at a time. Today I installed the toilet paper holder, some painting outside.  Maybe I can take a full day off tomorrow?

Thank you for reading this.

Married to a Tica

01/05/20 flying over Cuba

I am married.  Meli and I were married on December 29^th in front of more than fifty friends and family.  It was raining before the ceremony and a few asked if I was nervous.  I was not, but as we neared the event the butterflies started.  Rain stopped.  A beautiful sunset lit up the sky over the lake.  Yes, there were sections I had to recite in Spanish, which was the main reason for my nerves.   Meli came out as the music started, Here Comes the Bride. Her parents walked her to me.   There was not the formal hand off, Meli and I approached one another and kissed.  She looked beautiful and calm.  Are you happy, she asked me with a bright smile.  Yes, I am very happy.  The night is a blur.  We were busy talking to the guests and I tried my best to speak Spanish, Mucho Gusto.  There were some relatives who spoke English which made it easier for me.  We ate dinner, shared cake and soon enough we were packing.  I paid the attorney who handled the ceremony and we discussed the visa process.  Once the holidays are over, she will file the papers.  I will set up an appointment with an attorney from Catholic Charities when I am back and when I have the marriage certificate.  Last month they were busy till mid-January.  There may be the possibility Meli will move to the US before this year is out.  With everything it is God’s hands.  Looking at Florida in the near distance.  I will go through immigration and have to recover my bag and check it in again.  But it is alright.  I have five hours in Orlando to ponder the state of my affairs.  I have work emails, reading and will buy something to eat.  I think we have another forty-five minutes in this flight.

22:20

Flying over Virginia.  I am picking up a rental when I get back.  There’s nothing quite like listening to a grown man telling his kids he got a nasty look from a woman, for who knows what, but he adds, go ahead and arrest me.  Mom calls her child an idiot and suddenly I feel the warmth of the winter, note the sarcasm is seeping into the cabin.  I am almost back in New York.  Had a coffee.  Up since 3:30 AM, worked on my emails and still feel there is a lot more to accomplish.  Jet Blue offers WIFI on most of their flights and it gave me the ability to work.  I could have watched NetFlix, but didn’t.  I worked while at Orlando airport, well most of the time.  Picked up a late lunch or dinner at Burger King, an Impossible Burger and it was delicious.  For most of the past two weeks I’ve kept up my vegetarian meals.  There were some meats that slide into my system, and I know if was difficult for my Mother-In-Law who always wants to feed me.  She was upset that she could not find some real recipes.  The woman has her hand’s full, taking care of her granddaughter.  Thinking back to the beautiful weather in Costa Rica, holding Meli’s hand whenever we drove or sat together.  Attending mass last night and not knowing what the priest was saying.  I will make an effort to learn Spanish. 

Thank you for reading this.

Driving through New Jersey in The Rain

11/18/19 23:32 Bethlehem, PA

Driving through the rain to get here.  I think Meli is sleeping since I told her I will call when I arrived and have called her a few times.  I feel horrible since we didn’t get a chance to speak for too long today.  I was busy at work, finishing up an RFP and stressed out since the system was not accepting all of my answers.  Nothing like it.  So that is done.  I was working on the new novel which I already enjoy.  My son is leaving school and heading home.  This may be for good.  He wanted to call me to let me know.  My oldest is in France.  My youngest sister had a meltdown at my parent’s house, I rubbed her shoulders, which is something I never do, touch my sister, and felt the tension around her neck.  She is stressed.  I drove out East to Riverhead to get the necessary paperwork from the courts.  And we are moving ahead, the dress, the flowers, the cake, the rings.  There are the vows and the guests.  But I don’t want to be as passive as I have been and will be an active participant.  To have a successful event, it must be planned and typically I like instantaneous action.  Let my impulsive mind take the lead and let’s do this thing, but how?  I don’t know, it’s like writing a novel, let it create itself.

Thank you for reading this.

Yes, it's a long distance romance, she lives in Mexico

October 13, 2019 22:44

Meli and I are watching a movie.  She’s playing it on her phone and we are using ZOOM.  There is a slight delay with the picture, but the audio is clear.  It’s the concept. We are watching something…together.  We are always finding new things to do.  Finding joy and gratitude for the technology we can use to see and hear each other.  With technolgy, like WhatsApp, we have the ability to see each other every day while we are apart from one another.  Earlier, I went food shopping and was able to point out some savings and what I had in my cart.  Sounds lame to those who can share the experience in-person, maybe it would be different if we were together.  Honey, I need some eggs.  Here's the keys.  Meli could be walking through neighborhood park, and I could be walking down the wrong aisle looking for chamomile tea.  One of the struggles we had earlier was a slight language barrier.  There is the lack of physical proximity, but we can make things happen in our own way. The distance is shortened with FaceTime and by maintaining the communication. Keeping each other up to date about the small events, tasks, thoughts. For some, it can be annoying and some of it is inconsequential, but the communication is there. Meli and I share little details, making dinner, heading into the shower, driving to work. We are always keeping each other informed so we can feel we are sharing our day and night as close as possible.  Communication is important for any healthy relationship, but it is vital in a long distance relationship.  So, a word to those who are considering a long distance romance - maintain the communication.  Of course, I wish she was here.  We are making plans for our future, we are working on the visa and following this country's immigration policies.  I’m grateful to have Meli in my life.  I never felt so comfortable.  We are committed to our future.  I love her as my Anam Cara, my soul friend, my future wife.  I thought I'd share more picture of our recent trip to Ireland.

Thank you for reading this.

Grateful for my ex-wife

           You may have noticed there have been minimal entries on this blog.  Starting today, that is going to change.  Funny, I have seen too many entries in stale blogs that started this way, the blogger regretting not posting as much and perhaps not writing as much? 

There are reasons for not posting which I will describe in some detail for you.  I’ve been writing for this blog and have a few that I may post at a later date, but I wanted to get this one out today.  I’ve thought about it for a few weeks and here we go.

Ali and I are in the process of a divorce.  A former therapist and perhaps an attorney would suggest I use the phrase, “We have come to a mutual decision that our marriage should come to an end.”  Sounds formal.  It does not explain what occurred or why or who is to blame.  Let me be clear, I accept responsibility for my behavior that led to this “mutual decision.”  Let’s move on.

Instead of explaining what happened, I would like to say that I appreciate the years I had with Ali.  I was a witness, watching a shy 18-year-old teenager become an articulate and strong woman.  I watched how she grew from a timid and insecure young mother, not sure if our children would love her - to a mom with wealth of knowledge, love and compassion.  The children adore their mom.  I want to say, thank you for your mothering and raising four incredible individuals.

I want to thank her for the years we had together.  There were some rough patches when my fear and insecurities were evident and I was harsh to her and the children at times.  I would not put myself in the category as abusive, but on occasions I was harsh. 

  Throughout the years, we had some amazing memories, sitting outside in those summer nights and waiting for a shooting star, sitting in the shallow water and watching the minnow’s nipple on our feet and legs.  Spending time at her grandparent’s house, learning what being a family was all about - in the Italian tradition.  The decades of New Year’s Eve’s at her parents, starting at Nana and Pop’s and the trips we took with her parents into NYC, DC and Baltimore.  Add all of the trips to Disney World, cruises, auto trains, I cherish those times.  I miss those times and miss my family.

I was grateful waking up next to Ali.  Not too happy when she woke me up with her snores, but I enjoyed watching her sleep in.  I enjoyed making her laugh which was difficult to do, but she has a great laugh and when her giggling starts, it does not stop!  I’m going to miss those opportunities.  I hope she shares her laughter will someone else when she feels the time is right.

I am grateful to have had wife like Ali.  She was a good friend and I hope eventually, we can maintain some kind of friendship.  Tomorrow, will be two weeks since we signed the divorce paperwork.  Afterwards, we walked outside together to the hot parking lot, both of us cried and held each other.  I told her that she’s moving on.  We’re both moving on.  She’s in the process of buying her first home, within the school district which she serves a board member and keeping Joe and Bella in-place to graduate with their friends and classmates.  She's holding so much together and yet it was time for our marriage to end with the stroke up a pen.  In six to eight months, on a cold winter day, we will be officially divorced.  

          Thank you for reading this.

Lessons on Twenty Years of marriage

7/6/14 21:14

Last week Ali and I celebrated twenty years of marriage.  Twenty years.  In these twenty years we have had four children who have been blessings in our lives.   But married couples with children have a tendency to lose their identities.  Their focus is more on…the kids… building the children, creating them in our own image if I can be so bold as to suggest such a statement.  We want them to appreciate our tastes – let’s say in music.  Their choices should be similar to ours.  Each of our children know REM very well and have joined us on at least one pilgrimage to Athens GA.  But there is more to sharing good music and to having children for any relationship to last twenty years.  Yes, we have been through some very difficult times.  Some of them could break many couples, but when we would consider breaking up (nothing serious kids) we think of the children or did we?  There is more to "us" than the kids.  I love my wife very much and cannot think that anything can be the last straw.  We have learned an important lesson - we can get over the tough times– they don’t last.  But we have adapted and grown together through these past two decades.  Sure, we are different from when we first met. Thank God!  In a strange way, we lost our identities when becoming parents, but we lost what we were before we were married.  What was it like before we were married?  It’s been too long.  Who was I?  Do I miss the opportunity to meet a buxom blonde? No.  Do I miss the freedom to run away with the buxom woman? What would I be running away from?  I forget; it’s been too long since I had that freedom or even desired it.  Well, OK, YES, there is the fleeting…and I will admit it…enticing… commercials for Victoria’s Secret during holidays, have you seen the blonde - but let me get back to this.  Who wants the maddening mind games and the insecurities?  Is that what it was like before Ali came into my life?  I feel for you - those who have not found that love or ever fell in love.  Falling in love is a humbling experience.  If you marry, you need to learn to have a balanced approach.  You can’t be the enforcer and expect love.  That sort of love doesn't last.  Instead you gradually learn…you change.  You not only allow a sense of vulnerability but the awareness of losing yourself.  So there are the early struggles.  The ego wants whatever it demands.  You may feel you're not going to change.  If you don’t release yourself and truly discover the ideal of “married couple”…you will eventually be left all alone by yourself and never learn what it means to be a happily married couple.  Another lesson…. respect.  You need respect.  Without respect we would have lost the love.  I hear the skeptics, maybe we continued for decades out of fear of being alone?  It is not.  I can honestly write that I am in love - as much – maybe more (if love is measured) as I was twenty years ago.  I am married to the most beautiful woman.  My wife is stunning.  But there is more to her her beauty.  She has an amazing intellect and I have been a witness to her blossoming - from an eighteen year-old college freshman - to the woman who I have the honor of sharing my life and children with.  She has been very supportive and has put up with a lot of my shit… but she is right beside me.  We have both learned what forgiveness means in this lasting relationship.  We are human and prone to make mistakes.  Mistakes happen and in twenty years…it’s likely.  So here’s another lesson, don’t focus on mistakes.  You cannot change the past.  Let it go.  Why wallow in misery?  Life is too short.  There is the term, unconditional love.  I have to say Ali and I have it.  We move on with each blessed day together.  We continue to learn what wonderful lessons our relationship has in store for us.  Tonight, like every night I will hear the words which resonate under the ceiling of stars; an expressed love which will be as fresh as it was the first time...all of those light years away…

Thank you for reading this.