Surrendering

1/25/20 19:59 Bethlehem

It was the first time this year I made my dinner from scratch.  Still on the vegetation kick for the most part.  I eat eggs and an occasional fish, but no red meat or poultry.  I chopped up onions, thinking about how an old friend used to say onions.  Garlic, peppers, chopped in simmering olive oil till brownish, add some more, pitted black olives, artichoke hearts, veggies and seasoning – taco powder, vegan and let it mix together.  I cooked rice from scratch and it all came out very good tonight.  I have to say I am proud of myself.  Read the Power of Now and the sense of surrendering.  Last night, I went to a meeting and one of the men shared that he was hospitalized since he had suicidal thoughts.  He was on medication, pale skin, weak voice and my heart went out to him.  I need to surrender this.  And there is the story I read last night, the parents on Long Island, keeping their young boys in an unheated garage, the youngest dying or was he killed by his father.  Surrender this as well.  If I carry the pain, I will be drawn into the misery and today was one of those days.  It was raining, I felt alone in the house.   I made some calls and one of the guys I reached out to shared, he too had suicidal thoughts.  He said it so matter of fact, as if it was as a passing thought.  My heart went out to him.  I am working on my relationship with my savior.  It has been an on and off again relationship.  There are always reminders that God is in this world as long as I cultivate the awareness and presence within me.  No need to seek outside influences, at the end of the day the answer is within.  I can let go and let God into my life and I earnestly try and will add to this by surrendering.  There will always be pain.  I can choose to cultivate the pain and darkness or shine.  I have the choice to make the right decision which is difficult at times or slip back to old behaviors.  Gradually, letting go of the darkness and discovering each day that the answer is within.

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Cultivating the goodness

11/22/19 10:59 Mexico City

It’s my love’s birthday today.  This first birthday we are spending together.  I love waking up next to Melissa, there is so much love.  Another example of the long distance relationship is savoring each morning. I am here.  Feeling better since I was buzzed from the wine last night.  I had a beer at the apartment, I was thirsty.  We strolled around the neighborhood last night. There was a vendor selling Christmas lights, men walking their dogs, joggers running around the park, men playing soccer or basketball.  And we bought water, made tea and fell asleep.  It’s warm here, 70 degrees, actually very warm at this time in the morning.  Ma and Pa called to sing happy birthday to Meli and she wants to call them later so we can have a chat.  Let’s see how that will work out.  Ma loves to chat, but only on her schedule, let me take that back.  There have been a few occasions when I would call and she would ask if I needed to talk, get whatever it was off my mind.  No, we are good.  I had one of those moments last night when we were leaving the airport, was I going to get fired?  I have this running monologue. I read an email and misconstrue it and let the false message or scene fester in the dark regions of doubt and fear.  Let me be blunt, it is low self-esteem.  It was one of those moments.  Meli was able to reassure me, but I need to reassure myself and fill my mind with positive attributions, look at the good I have caused. Look at the business I have brought to my company.  And it is only a start. Because, even the external influences can be limited.  Deep down I know I am the only one who can recognize my God given gifts.  Each of us has unique God given gifts that we can cultivate.  I love writing and hope this message can inspire – in spirit others.

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