Divorced Dad

12/7/19 19:26 East Northport, NY

I ran over 8 miles today.  It was a rare run when people were out, walking dogs or just out for a walk since the weather is supposed to turn for the worst on Monday and Tuesday.  I’ll drive back to Bethlehem on Monday after my therapy appointment.  Had an early dinner with Emma and the word is that the kids are grudgingly accepting me for who I am. They realize that they cannot change me and there was a snide comment about my priorities.  I don’t live my life seeking my children’s permission.  I am doing the best I can.  I am responsible, providing alimony, child support and even more money when I am asked.  I am not shirking that.  My life is not easy.  I am making the best of it, but I would not change who I am compared to who I was when I was married to their mother.  I was miserable.  Friends from the church said it.  My colleagues from work said it, but it never resonated within me.  Things will get better or now is not a good time was my motto.  Yes, I was selfish and made some horrible mistakes, letting people into my life who were toxic and did not give a shit about me.  I want to be clear, there were people, not just one or two.  They played a good game, but I knew I could not trust them.  Ali and I discussed divorce for years, but I did not do anything about it.  I would use it like a threat, hoping things would change. Instead of having the courage to proceed with a divorce, I ran away from it like a frightened child, running away from the reality and back into the toxic escapes.  It's all in my past. I value the knowledge of these experiences.  Never again.

   

I am marrying a beautiful woman, inside and out.  I have never been this close to anyone in my life.  I am grateful to have Meli.  I trust her and am comfortable, we respect one another and are deeply in love.  I look forward to many years, decades together. My children can either accept it and discover my life with appreciation or they can continue to fester in resentment.  This is a sad fact about divorce; especially with children. In some ways, getting a divorce with younger children may be easier, their lives will be unsettled, but eventually they accept the new norm and grow up in that setting.  With older kids, there is the constant reminder that Mom and Dad are not married anymore. Life is drastically different.  Dad does not live here anymore and there is a hole in their lives that was filled, through challenging times, through happy times and through family times.  Holidays are a painful reminder to the hole.  Like a death in the family and yet I am still here.  Still very much alive and willing to be a part of their lives - if they are willing to accept my life. 

Thank you for reading this.

Grateful to be Divorced

11/28/19 22:34 East Northport: Thanksgiving

I love my children.  Being divorced has strained my relationship at one time or another with all or a few of my kids.  They are not kids or children, but young adults.  Their ages are, 25, 23, 18 and 16.  My oldest is attending North Eastern Law, the second oldest will take a semester off from Stony Brook, my 18 year-old attends LaSell University and my 16 year-old attends high school.  Soon after being kicked out, I was told that I will always be the “bad guy” in my children's eyes and my 23 year-old said, “Dad, you’re never going to win.”  It took many months to shake off the belief that my kids were going to love me, regardless of how their mother may have felt.  I ignored their feelings, I tried to hide from their suffering.  We are still suffering in our own ways, and yet I have to say, I am grateful for being divorced.  I don’t mean to suggest for a moment, that I don’t care about my kids, I do.  They may not want to accept that.  I remind myself, I will always be the bad guy and I will never win.  It’s like a broken record.  Most of them do not recognize the good in me.  I know I am a good, decent man who had made mistakes.  But I am not the person who raised them when they were younger.  I was more selfish and lived with a lot fear and anxiety. Insecurities were over flowing from my cup and I fought like hell to keep some order in the house.  I was strict at times, but not always.  I shirked responsibilities like a pro. There was manipulation and passive aggressive tactics, that made my head spin, most of this was directed to my ex.  There was deceit.  There was a compartmentalized life that was out of control.  There was no direction, I was not sure who I was, but I knew deep down I was not happy.  I was not happy with my life.  And I sought to run and escape in many different forms that were not creative or that did not express self-love and self-compassion.  Only after the divorce and joining a 12 step program have I learned not be fearful.  Fearful of other’s opinions.  Including my children.  I am learning how to appreciate and value the life I am creating for myself.  I am taking care of myself through better eating, exercise, meditation and listening to motivational podcasts.   I have met someone for the first time, me.  I have met another for the first time, a woman who I love, adore and respect.  Meli has helped me on this path and we walk it together as best friends.  There will be bumps in the road and there will be the insecurities, but as long as I am aware of my thought patterns and protect myself from unhealthy thoughts or toxic people, I will be in a better place.  We look forward to sharing our lives together and welcome our family to take part.  On December 29^th, Meli and I are getting married.  I am looking forward to sharing my life with my best friend.  We will both be free to discover the joys in life.  I could not experience anything like this before.  I have a new freedom.  Instead of living for the acceptance or insatiable recognition from others, the answer as my Zen teacher said, is within.  Here's some advise dear reader, stop living in fear and jump into the world.  It is a beautiful place to discover; if you open your heart and mind.

Thank you for reading this.

Being a divorced Dad

11/10/19 23:23 East Northport, NY

My dad has some nuggets of wisdom from time to time.  Tonight before I came to bed, he suggested I pray the serenity prayer.  For those who are not familiar with it: God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.  Thy will not mine be done.  The prayer is used in 12 steps rooms and has helped me when I feel there is little more I can do, expect to pray and to accept the circumstances.  This weekend has been emotional.  Last night I had dinner with Amanda and Joey and felt we ended the night in a positive way.  But there was little communication from either of them today, I was not sure what to expect.  I had dinner with Emma Tess who has been with me through thick and thin, there was not one moment when she made an ultimatum, it’s either us or her.  And both Meli and I know how the divorce is still fresh and painful, but we are making plans to marry.  I asked her last January if she would marry me, so it should not be a surprise to any of my children that we will get married.  I listened to their fears.  I know they love me, but I don’t like hearing, if I really loved them, I would not get married.  The fear is that I will go away and not be a part of their lives.  The move to Pennsylvania was not easy since I was moving away from my parents, sisters and more importantly my children, but it is more expensive to live here and they understand, but it doesn’t make it any easier.  I can’t run out to pick up Bella from school if she needs me; it will take more than three hours – at least – to get to her.  But I have not abandoned them. Yes, I live in Pennsylvania, but I am still part of their lives – as best as I can be and as best as they want me in their lives.  I visit Long Island at least every other week and see the kids, the one or ones willing to see me.  So, it’s true, the serenity prayer is perfect for tonight, especially knowing most of my children are suffering in their own way, with the divorce, with knowing I am engaged and with the possibility, I will be married to someone other than their mom.  I will always be there for each of them as much as they are willing to accept me for who I am and who I choose to be with.

Thank you for reading this.

Krishna Das in NYC and talking to my kids about getting married...again

11/9/19 21:47 East Northport, NY

What a day.  From picking up Lou and Cheri and driving into the city to see Krishna Das earlier today.  I know my bro so well.  We had made plans, I’ll pick him and Cheri up at 10:00 and we will drive into the city.  It was cheaper and faster than taking the bus.  I know him.  There was a text at 0800 and then the call I was expecting.  It was at 9:00.  Did you check Waze for how long it will take? He asked.  No, but I figured I’ll turn it on when I get to your house.  I knew he wanted to leave earlier, this was the reason for the call.  Even Cheri told me later that she asked him not to call me.  But here he was. I told him, I was about to jump onto the shower and I’ll be over as soon as possible.  OK, good he said. And to their credit, my friends sprinted out of their door and we were off to the city.  This was not the typical KD concert which we knew, this was different.  This was Shree Hanumaan Chaaleesaa.  It was a special prayer that should be chanted 100 times in the native language.  For instance, Bala budhi vidyaa dehu mohin harahu kalesa bikaara, which means, “Grant me strength, intelligence and wisdom and remove my impurities and sorrows.”  The event was for three hours.  Most of the leaders were women who had beautiful voices.  The band was incredible.  A holy air reverberated within the old church on West 86^th Street.  Although we botched up the language, we sang with pure hearts. 

I had dinner with Amanda and Joe in Smithtown.  It was an open dialogue, honest conversation.  We discussed what is happening in our lives.  Amanda will fly off to France very soon.  I am heading to Mexico.  Amanda asked how the visa process was for Meli.  I explained how Meli and I have two choices, either a fiancé visa or a spousal visa.  The fiancé visa process is very risky, so I may have to get married out of the country.  Overall, they want to be involved and would like to meet Meli before we get married.  Based on the current immigration policies, this may be a stretch, but I have to say there was no anger.  We had an open and honest chat.  There is still a lot that needs to be processed.  We ended the night with hugs and love, but there is still pain from the past and some fear of the future. 

Thank you for reading this.

Back in Bethlehem

10/28/19 22:33 Bethlehem, PA

I received my social security card, I can apply for a Pennsylvania Driver’s License and eventually change the car registration to this state.  My insurance costs will be reduced, saving money each month.  

I unpacked, called Meli and we had a brief call since she needs to stretch.  That’s fine.  We are both tired and I want to change and call it a night.  I have gotten into the bad habit of hitting the snooze button on my phone in the morning, but this tired shit began last night.  I was awake after midnight. I had to take the call downstairs with Meli.  Dad knocked on my bedroom door around 11:30. I hear everything, he says.  Dad sleeps on the opposite side of the wall.  Like a teenager, I scurried off to a room downstairs and had a decent chat with Meli about my kids. Sometimes I don’t want to share everything since I don’t want to upset her.  I’d like to pretend that the red carpet will be rolled out for her when she steps off the jet at JFK.  Bella is still upset with the idea that Meli and I are engaged.  I can understand. She has been texting me lately and I am grateful, out of all the kids, she has been the last one - not maintain a relationship with me.  I can understand, she’s hurt. Out of all four of my children, Bella was daddy’s girl, my baseball buddy, it seemed I could do no wrong, but that image was destroyed by my behavior and getting kicked out of the house. Our communication has not been the best since that day. I don’t think I have had a one on one with her since the divorce, but the last couple of days she has reached out.  Not to expect our relationship will go back to the way it was, but with God’s grace, all good things happen.

Thank you for reading this.