Grateful to be Divorced

11/28/19 22:34 East Northport: Thanksgiving

I love my children.  Being divorced has strained my relationship at one time or another with all or a few of my kids.  They are not kids or children, but young adults.  Their ages are, 25, 23, 18 and 16.  My oldest is attending North Eastern Law, the second oldest will take a semester off from Stony Brook, my 18 year-old attends LaSell University and my 16 year-old attends high school.  Soon after being kicked out, I was told that I will always be the “bad guy” in my children's eyes and my 23 year-old said, “Dad, you’re never going to win.”  It took many months to shake off the belief that my kids were going to love me, regardless of how their mother may have felt.  I ignored their feelings, I tried to hide from their suffering.  We are still suffering in our own ways, and yet I have to say, I am grateful for being divorced.  I don’t mean to suggest for a moment, that I don’t care about my kids, I do.  They may not want to accept that.  I remind myself, I will always be the bad guy and I will never win.  It’s like a broken record.  Most of them do not recognize the good in me.  I know I am a good, decent man who had made mistakes.  But I am not the person who raised them when they were younger.  I was more selfish and lived with a lot fear and anxiety. Insecurities were over flowing from my cup and I fought like hell to keep some order in the house.  I was strict at times, but not always.  I shirked responsibilities like a pro. There was manipulation and passive aggressive tactics, that made my head spin, most of this was directed to my ex.  There was deceit.  There was a compartmentalized life that was out of control.  There was no direction, I was not sure who I was, but I knew deep down I was not happy.  I was not happy with my life.  And I sought to run and escape in many different forms that were not creative or that did not express self-love and self-compassion.  Only after the divorce and joining a 12 step program have I learned not be fearful.  Fearful of other’s opinions.  Including my children.  I am learning how to appreciate and value the life I am creating for myself.  I am taking care of myself through better eating, exercise, meditation and listening to motivational podcasts.   I have met someone for the first time, me.  I have met another for the first time, a woman who I love, adore and respect.  Meli has helped me on this path and we walk it together as best friends.  There will be bumps in the road and there will be the insecurities, but as long as I am aware of my thought patterns and protect myself from unhealthy thoughts or toxic people, I will be in a better place.  We look forward to sharing our lives together and welcome our family to take part.  On December 29^th, Meli and I are getting married.  I am looking forward to sharing my life with my best friend.  We will both be free to discover the joys in life.  I could not experience anything like this before.  I have a new freedom.  Instead of living for the acceptance or insatiable recognition from others, the answer as my Zen teacher said, is within.  Here's some advise dear reader, stop living in fear and jump into the world.  It is a beautiful place to discover; if you open your heart and mind.

Thank you for reading this.

Cultivating the goodness

11/22/19 10:59 Mexico City

It’s my love’s birthday today.  This first birthday we are spending together.  I love waking up next to Melissa, there is so much love.  Another example of the long distance relationship is savoring each morning. I am here.  Feeling better since I was buzzed from the wine last night.  I had a beer at the apartment, I was thirsty.  We strolled around the neighborhood last night. There was a vendor selling Christmas lights, men walking their dogs, joggers running around the park, men playing soccer or basketball.  And we bought water, made tea and fell asleep.  It’s warm here, 70 degrees, actually very warm at this time in the morning.  Ma and Pa called to sing happy birthday to Meli and she wants to call them later so we can have a chat.  Let’s see how that will work out.  Ma loves to chat, but only on her schedule, let me take that back.  There have been a few occasions when I would call and she would ask if I needed to talk, get whatever it was off my mind.  No, we are good.  I had one of those moments last night when we were leaving the airport, was I going to get fired?  I have this running monologue. I read an email and misconstrue it and let the false message or scene fester in the dark regions of doubt and fear.  Let me be blunt, it is low self-esteem.  It was one of those moments.  Meli was able to reassure me, but I need to reassure myself and fill my mind with positive attributions, look at the good I have caused. Look at the business I have brought to my company.  And it is only a start. Because, even the external influences can be limited.  Deep down I know I am the only one who can recognize my God given gifts.  Each of us has unique God given gifts that we can cultivate.  I love writing and hope this message can inspire – in spirit others.

Thank you for reading this.

Living In The Present

11/3/19 21:44 Bethlehem, PA

Living in the present, which is what Meli said just before we hung up the phone. 

You may be curious where we met.  I thought about sharing this with you.  I saw Meli on a meditation app I was using at the time.  It is called Insight Timer and it has a social context unlike other meditation apps which I currently use.  Anyway, I reached out to Meli after I finished meditating and sent her a message, it was nice to meditate with you.  Since she was in Mexico, I doubted I would hear back from her, but she wrote back.  I used Google translate and would copy the words on a piece of paper and type them into the app.  After a few days, she wrote back, I speak English.  It was a lovely start, since the previous communications would have been too arduous.  A couple of days later, I asked if we can speak on WhatsApp.  She apologized, her mother and sister were visiting her in Mexico City, but she said she would like to speak to me.  There were some audio messages, I made a video for her while I was on business in Atlanta.  And it was there that we spoke for the first time, I could not believe it.  She was happy and we had a decent conversation.  She was unsure about her English, even now there are times when she is not confident, but she amazes me by her vocabulary.  After two months, I flew down to Mexico City and saw Meli.  We spent the night in the city, went to wrestling, I was shocked by the theatrics.  We flew down to Puerto Escondido and spent an amazing week together in the sun and surf.  It was magical in so many ways.  It still is very magical; we are both on an amazing journey together.  Looking forward to seeing her again on the 21^st and celebrating her birthday on November 22.  I am grateful I have someone as loving and supportive as Meli. She is aware of my flaws and my past mistakes. She reminds me, those things don’t define the man I am.   Anam Cara!

Thank you for reading this. 

Peace is Restored

10/23/19 22:57 Bethlehem

Being in a long distance relationship has its challenges.  Communication is vital in any relationship. I know I wrote about this before.  I know what is going on.  I am tired.  We were both busy today and at times I feel as if I am the only one who sends messages during the work day.  She’s in more meetings than me.  I have the time.  Look at how many sentences begin with, “I.”  I can feel some resentment and I should take a deep breath.  Meli introduced me to a wonderful statement, tomorrow is a different day. Maybe I am being dramatic?  I feel we are slipping past one another.  Am I projecting this?  Another statement we have is, fact or fiction? It is late.  This morning the stars were radiant in the dark sky, the moon was bright and looked like a smile.  She fell asleep.  She is eating and will call me in a little while and like magic she will cut through my bullshit.  Take a deep breath.  I wrote there are challenges, but I never met anyone who has the same sense of humor as me.  Who is caring and loving and who is incredibly talented in her business.  Meli is not me.  We have our differences.  There are choices or questions in any relationship, is it healthy?  Are you happy?  Are you in peace?  Most of the time, I ask the last question; am I in peace? It’s a flitting moment.  Since my mind habitually creates drama and havoc, I can choose.  I am writing this from a room in Bethlehem.  A train blows in the distance.  It is quiet here.  Left alone with my thoughts, will I cultivate peace, love and self-compassion or let chaos simmer?  There is scene playing and it is all fake.  What is real?  We are separated by thousands of miles.  We either let the distance take command or we work on creating a future together.

And she calls and breaks through my bullshit with a laugh and peace is restored.

Thank you for reading this.

Patience, seldom found in a woman, never found in a man

10/14/19 9:54 PM Bethlehem, PA

My grandma’s birthday today.  This is a quote she would say, “Patience, seldom found in a woman, never found in a man.”  True words of wisdom from grandma.  I don’t write about her as often as I should.  There have been short stories and poems about my grandda, but wait a second.  I wrote about the last time I saw grandma when I was flying back from Ireland. 

I went to a Zen meditation tonight, it’s around the corner at Moravian.  It’s called Middle Way, the format follows Thich Nhat Hahn's Sangha.  What is Buddha nature?  That was tonight’s question.  My initial response was Buddha Nature flows through me when I am creative, when a poem flows or a sentence is created by…the spirit.  That can be Buddha nature. 

Each of us has the capacity to get in touch with our Buddha nature, but often we feel we should discover this concept outside of ourselves.  One of the great lessons this year was, the answer is within.  What a frightening concept, to take the time and let the mind settle and discover ourselves, to be compassionate to ourselves.  But it takes an effort.  It’s not easy and we all know it is far easier to break the horror of discovery with an iPhone or some other distraction.  Thinking of Marlon Brando in Apocalypse Now, “The horror.”  But we need to rise from the mud to shine in the light.

Yesterday, I was triggered.  I was feeling alone and wanted to revert back to my old habits.  I stopped myself and asked, how would I feel after I did those things?  Resentment. Ashamed. I let my emotions or worse, my compulsion to control my life.  Compulsion is a rough one.  It strikes out of the blue.  Go for it, what's the harm?  Addiction is knocking.  I am stronger than that.  It takes discipline and a commitment to a program or more importantly, a commitment to myself.  I have to learn patience.  I have to weed out the thoughts and replace them with love and respect…for myself.  What a strange concept.  I should be strong and resilient, but I know my limitations.  I am being honest with myself.  No, grandma, never is strong word.

Thank you for reading this.

Yes, it's a long distance romance, she lives in Mexico

October 13, 2019 22:44

Meli and I are watching a movie.  She’s playing it on her phone and we are using ZOOM.  There is a slight delay with the picture, but the audio is clear.  It’s the concept. We are watching something…together.  We are always finding new things to do.  Finding joy and gratitude for the technology we can use to see and hear each other.  With technolgy, like WhatsApp, we have the ability to see each other every day while we are apart from one another.  Earlier, I went food shopping and was able to point out some savings and what I had in my cart.  Sounds lame to those who can share the experience in-person, maybe it would be different if we were together.  Honey, I need some eggs.  Here's the keys.  Meli could be walking through neighborhood park, and I could be walking down the wrong aisle looking for chamomile tea.  One of the struggles we had earlier was a slight language barrier.  There is the lack of physical proximity, but we can make things happen in our own way. The distance is shortened with FaceTime and by maintaining the communication. Keeping each other up to date about the small events, tasks, thoughts. For some, it can be annoying and some of it is inconsequential, but the communication is there. Meli and I share little details, making dinner, heading into the shower, driving to work. We are always keeping each other informed so we can feel we are sharing our day and night as close as possible.  Communication is important for any healthy relationship, but it is vital in a long distance relationship.  So, a word to those who are considering a long distance romance - maintain the communication.  Of course, I wish she was here.  We are making plans for our future, we are working on the visa and following this country's immigration policies.  I’m grateful to have Meli in my life.  I never felt so comfortable.  We are committed to our future.  I love her as my Anam Cara, my soul friend, my future wife.  I thought I'd share more picture of our recent trip to Ireland.

Thank you for reading this.