Fourth of July 2019

7/4/19 11:18

Sitting in the back yard at my parent’s house.  Last year, on the fourth, I was living in Northport, down near Crab Meadow and paying too much for a small room in a cottage, but I was close to my family.  My parents were only five minutes away and three of my children, out East on Long Island in Port Jeff Station.  They were in the house that Ali and I rented.  The year before we celebrated the fourth in the Adirondacks.  It was our last vacation we took as a family, and I wrote about it in the blog. On this day in 2015, we flew back from California where we spent a week on vacation.  The year before on this day, my son had the courage to tell me he was bi, Joe was eleven at the time.  Life moves on and like a dream or a circle - we evolve.  Another analogy will be a river that carries remnants of soil and stones in its rolling water, pushing forward and dropping off what it carries in different parts on its journey. 

I’m living in Bethlehem, PA and I am engaged to a wonderful woman.  Ali is doing well on her own, having purchased a house and settling in.  This all took place within the past year.  On July 22, Ali and I will be separated from one another for two years.  A lot has changed in our lives, but instead of a general statement, I am grateful for the transition.  I battle with loneliness, of not waking up and seeing the kids in the morning or being a part of their daily lives.  I battle with the distance and yet while I was on Long Island, we would only see each other on the weekends.  They have their lives.  Yet, I am discovering more about myself and discovering love, strength and compassion. 

Joe graduated high school this year.  I was at the graduation ceremony and the week before, took pictures of Joe, wearing a beautiful dress and high heels, as he set off on his prom with his date.  For his graduation, I drove four hours in rush hour traffic from New Jersey, where I had a meeting that afternoon, but I made it.  No air conditioning.  Feeling light headed and frazzled, I stood behind the stands and looked down at the field and watched as my son sang with the high school choir - for the last time and watched as he walked across the stage, in high heels, to receive his diploma.  Afterwards, I walked down to the field and Joey gave me a big hug, you made it, he said.  Joe had a legion of friends come up to him and hug him, he was and is very loved and respected in most of the community.  Amanda was there from Boston and we hugged.  She looked amazing and wanted to get a family picture together.  Emma Tess, my quiet warrior, hugged and yet for my youngest, the pain is still fresh, Bella kept her distance from me.  It is alright.  She needs time and I will respect her space.  No family picture. 

I drove back to Bethlehem after the ceremony and once again the loneliness and sadness kicked in. My family were headed back to their new house and continued their lives as normal without me. Traffic was lighter.  It was night.  I spoke to Meli on the ride back and she said, what a wonderful father I am. I try to be.

   

I try to live in the moment with gratitude and live a life of integrity.  Like the river, I carry certain stones and stories and will discard of them, left to be in their places in the past.  I will move on through this life, discovering for the first time another realization.

Thank you for reading this.   

Clinton Kelly, Comsewogue alum gives an incredible speech to graduating class of 2014

6/30/14 17:21

Yesterday my wife and I celebrated our 20^th wedding anniversary.  The event came at a time when Emma Tess our second oldest just graduated high school.  The graduation and party held our attention for the past few weeks.  Saturday we had a large rented tent in the back yard.  Family and friends from the neighborhood and schools joined us at the house in the celebration for Emma Tess.  Two years prior it was Amanda’s graduation. Yet Emma’s was different.  Her class was different; they were supportive of one another which were the general theme in many of the speeches.  I have to believe it.  I watched the class jesters and others participate in tossing beach balls, tennis balls until they were confiscated by security who were begging them to give up their toys; the antics were an entertaining break from the sincere speeches, but how many can honestly state; I didn’t prepare anything.  They didn’t need anything or so they thought.  A ball is smacked.  Young men and woman suddenly acted their age – you are teenagers (or I assume you are) be young.  Have fun.  The stoic faces broke out in smiles - which was a relief.  Many of them appeared older, wiser, and I dare make the bold statement – they were confident.  It seemed like nothing was going to stop them.  They took their diplomas, took their pictures, took off their caps and tossed them in the air and we watched the caps twist under the faint blue sky.  Some of us snapped pictures and listened to the applause for their children or grandchildren or their parolees.  Emma Tess graduated high school.  The little girl who’d I wrestle with.  Back then she had a lisp when her front teeth were missing and she’d say, “Give me a sound beating.”  This is the girl, who told us, she never wanted to grow up.  I feel sorry for her and will ask if she feels the same way, do you regret getting older? I know she’s excited about Hofstra. Look at it this way, instead of focusing on the past - passing by - think of the hope which lies in the future.  There are so many possibilities.  The dreams we heard in the speeches - follow them; pursue that dream.  Be driven by passion.  Love what you are doing since you may be doing something for forty years.  Yikes that’s intimidating and if faced with the objective, most of us would cower.  Take it one day at a time.  Clinton Kelly, the star celebrity - a graduate from Comsewogue High School gave the graduating class a speech, what the hell do you refer to the keynote speech as?  The keynote speech.  He was incredible and entertaining and kept popping in nuggets of wisdom – this is what said this which I copied from his Facebook page and it’s perfect; The energy you spend with your head in the past will never get you closer to the future you dream for yourself.

Thank you for reading this

Wedding Anniversary

On this night I’m up in my room, listening to Pete Townsend’s Empty Glass - album - which is one of my favorite records. There are songs on this album I find myself referring to when I’m working or off in some distant region in my mind. Today was our wedding anniversary and I’d like to let you know my wife is doing well. After ten months of chemo she is taking a break. Her strength is back, there is a smile on her face more often. I feel like we came through some dark cloud and we can see the green grass, the sun rise, a new day has broken. Not the sort of images I normally conjure for you, but in Ali’s case, I am very grateful to have her in my life. I am blessed. The past year I was not the best husband or father and I know I behaved in selfish ways and hurt others who may be reading this, and I would like you to know I am sorry. I am a work in progress and discovered I fall back to destructive means when encountered with a major crisis. I hid my destructive ways very well. Last week we celebrated our oldest daughter’s high school graduation. Amanda spoke to her class and was so poised and natural in front of a thousand and more strangers. The young woman will make a difference - for the better - in this world. Let’s move into this week and next month with hope and faith. Hang in with me…since we’re off to Disney World…so soon I can see the fairy dust floating in the humid air.