This too shall pass, let go and let God

4/2/20 22:17 Bethlehem, PA

This too shall pass and yet the question begs to be asked; when?  I feel sorry for the families stuck inside their homes, dogs and cats as well.  I have the serenity of a quiet house.  I live with two other guys, each of us has a bedroom and we share the rest of the house.  Not too bad of a place, but it can use some work.  Be grateful.  I am trying to be grateful at this time of uncertainty and yet I cherish the changes in nature.  The trees are blooming, flowers are spouting and yet the silence looms in the streets.  As if no one is outside to take in the rush of scents and colors.  It’s young and fresh.  The season.  No more winter.  I noticed a neighbor hanging their bed sheets out on the line and was envious, what a great day to let the sheets take in the sun and the breeze. I can find gratitude for seeing that or the other neighbor next to us, the one who I can see inside their house when the Venetian blinds are open or up, the one with the piano, TV and lamps, and their bird feeder which is attached with suction cups to their window.  A pair of cardinals and many sparrows come to feed from it.  Once a squirrel hopped up and the feeder crashed to the ground.  They fixed it.  Their cat watches the birds from the warmth of the room, his head darts back and forth till he accepts the fact, the birds are outside and he is still in the warmth of his room.  And that has been my days so far.  I miss hanging with the kids and watching something, popcorn and their laughter and yet if I was with them – their insanity - there is a good chance I will be off in another room.  That is the fact of my life when we were all together, I was off in my room or in the den reading and trying to gain some serenity.  What does the future hold?  Possibilities and the living a clean and sober life, but it is one day at a time for me.  I am not sure how long the visa process will take, but as long as Meli and I maintain our communication and humor, there is little we cannot get through.  There are people dying, More than 5,000 in the US.  Families are devastated, emotionally and financially.  More than 6 million filed for unemployment and what would it be like for most if they were working?  Living paycheck to paycheck and all of a sudden, they are hit with hardship, pain, fear.  Bare down and consider who is around you and be grateful. “But we’re hungry.”  Grateful for who is in your life and what they bring to you.  Open a book and read, this is the time we waited for, we can discover ourselves for the first time and appreciate who we are.  Let hope reign and fear ride in the back seat like a pain in the ass who wants to know when we’re going to get there.  Let it pass.

Thank you for reading this and God bless you and your families.

Surrendering

1/25/20 19:59 Bethlehem

It was the first time this year I made my dinner from scratch.  Still on the vegetation kick for the most part.  I eat eggs and an occasional fish, but no red meat or poultry.  I chopped up onions, thinking about how an old friend used to say onions.  Garlic, peppers, chopped in simmering olive oil till brownish, add some more, pitted black olives, artichoke hearts, veggies and seasoning – taco powder, vegan and let it mix together.  I cooked rice from scratch and it all came out very good tonight.  I have to say I am proud of myself.  Read the Power of Now and the sense of surrendering.  Last night, I went to a meeting and one of the men shared that he was hospitalized since he had suicidal thoughts.  He was on medication, pale skin, weak voice and my heart went out to him.  I need to surrender this.  And there is the story I read last night, the parents on Long Island, keeping their young boys in an unheated garage, the youngest dying or was he killed by his father.  Surrender this as well.  If I carry the pain, I will be drawn into the misery and today was one of those days.  It was raining, I felt alone in the house.   I made some calls and one of the guys I reached out to shared, he too had suicidal thoughts.  He said it so matter of fact, as if it was as a passing thought.  My heart went out to him.  I am working on my relationship with my savior.  It has been an on and off again relationship.  There are always reminders that God is in this world as long as I cultivate the awareness and presence within me.  No need to seek outside influences, at the end of the day the answer is within.  I can let go and let God into my life and I earnestly try and will add to this by surrendering.  There will always be pain.  I can choose to cultivate the pain and darkness or shine.  I have the choice to make the right decision which is difficult at times or slip back to old behaviors.  Gradually, letting go of the darkness and discovering each day that the answer is within.

Thank you for reading this

Grateful to be Divorced

11/28/19 22:34 East Northport: Thanksgiving

I love my children.  Being divorced has strained my relationship at one time or another with all or a few of my kids.  They are not kids or children, but young adults.  Their ages are, 25, 23, 18 and 16.  My oldest is attending North Eastern Law, the second oldest will take a semester off from Stony Brook, my 18 year-old attends LaSell University and my 16 year-old attends high school.  Soon after being kicked out, I was told that I will always be the “bad guy” in my children's eyes and my 23 year-old said, “Dad, you’re never going to win.”  It took many months to shake off the belief that my kids were going to love me, regardless of how their mother may have felt.  I ignored their feelings, I tried to hide from their suffering.  We are still suffering in our own ways, and yet I have to say, I am grateful for being divorced.  I don’t mean to suggest for a moment, that I don’t care about my kids, I do.  They may not want to accept that.  I remind myself, I will always be the bad guy and I will never win.  It’s like a broken record.  Most of them do not recognize the good in me.  I know I am a good, decent man who had made mistakes.  But I am not the person who raised them when they were younger.  I was more selfish and lived with a lot fear and anxiety. Insecurities were over flowing from my cup and I fought like hell to keep some order in the house.  I was strict at times, but not always.  I shirked responsibilities like a pro. There was manipulation and passive aggressive tactics, that made my head spin, most of this was directed to my ex.  There was deceit.  There was a compartmentalized life that was out of control.  There was no direction, I was not sure who I was, but I knew deep down I was not happy.  I was not happy with my life.  And I sought to run and escape in many different forms that were not creative or that did not express self-love and self-compassion.  Only after the divorce and joining a 12 step program have I learned not be fearful.  Fearful of other’s opinions.  Including my children.  I am learning how to appreciate and value the life I am creating for myself.  I am taking care of myself through better eating, exercise, meditation and listening to motivational podcasts.   I have met someone for the first time, me.  I have met another for the first time, a woman who I love, adore and respect.  Meli has helped me on this path and we walk it together as best friends.  There will be bumps in the road and there will be the insecurities, but as long as I am aware of my thought patterns and protect myself from unhealthy thoughts or toxic people, I will be in a better place.  We look forward to sharing our lives together and welcome our family to take part.  On December 29^th, Meli and I are getting married.  I am looking forward to sharing my life with my best friend.  We will both be free to discover the joys in life.  I could not experience anything like this before.  I have a new freedom.  Instead of living for the acceptance or insatiable recognition from others, the answer as my Zen teacher said, is within.  Here's some advise dear reader, stop living in fear and jump into the world.  It is a beautiful place to discover; if you open your heart and mind.

Thank you for reading this.

I can be a DJ on WDIY

10/11/19 22:12 Bethlehem, PA

Listening to Betty Carter’s 30 Years.  I remember playing this for Ali.  Betty was singing about how her husband was leaving her after 30 Years.  We’ve been together for 30 Years, I love you, don’t go.  Thinking about last Saturday night when the six of us ate together for the first time in almost 2 and a half years.  Sitting across from my ex.  Both of us at times rolling our eyes at something one of our kids said.  I’m curious how she is doing.  How is she coping?  We spoke a couple of weeks back and I opened up.  She is aware I am in a 12 step program and was happy to hear of my progress and yet she was upset that I could not be sober while we were married.  And we move on.  I asked if she had dated, and she went back to being cautious, I refuse to answer that question.  I was at a meeting tonight.  There is strength in the rooms, vulnerability, confusion and I’m struck with how similar our stories are.  So many times I can relate, nod in agreement, yes.  I was there.  I felt the same way, thought the same and this is why we are together.  I live in a room in Bethlehem for a reason.  There are choices to make each day and especially at night and tonight I chose to be in a room in another town.  It was worth the drive.  I stopped at an ice cream place which I have passed each time I went to the meeting and thought I will buy a shake on my way home.  Tonight was the night.  A pumpkin shake.  The dark blue sky over the black hills.  It's cooler, getting colder. The radio was playing Betty Carter, WDIY and one of the guys in the room had a WDIY t-shirt on.  Maybe I can be a DJ on the radio station and play eclectic music?  I can read poetry and quotes from Pema Chodrin Thomas Merton or a Zen koan.  I wish I was on the radio and can share some thoughts.  It will be at night, after midnight and there will be a dozen or so listening to my show.  From time to time I will ask if they have a request, but I’m only playing the song if it’s cool.  I recognize the caller, she wants to hear something lame.  No, not playing it.  I get back on.  So, dear listeners, let us now listen to The Clash, Broadway.

Thank you for reading