Driving through New Jersey in The Rain

11/18/19 23:32 Bethlehem, PA

Driving through the rain to get here.  I think Meli is sleeping since I told her I will call when I arrived and have called her a few times.  I feel horrible since we didn’t get a chance to speak for too long today.  I was busy at work, finishing up an RFP and stressed out since the system was not accepting all of my answers.  Nothing like it.  So that is done.  I was working on the new novel which I already enjoy.  My son is leaving school and heading home.  This may be for good.  He wanted to call me to let me know.  My oldest is in France.  My youngest sister had a meltdown at my parent’s house, I rubbed her shoulders, which is something I never do, touch my sister, and felt the tension around her neck.  She is stressed.  I drove out East to Riverhead to get the necessary paperwork from the courts.  And we are moving ahead, the dress, the flowers, the cake, the rings.  There are the vows and the guests.  But I don’t want to be as passive as I have been and will be an active participant.  To have a successful event, it must be planned and typically I like instantaneous action.  Let my impulsive mind take the lead and let’s do this thing, but how?  I don’t know, it’s like writing a novel, let it create itself.

Thank you for reading this.

Being a divorced Dad

11/10/19 23:23 East Northport, NY

My dad has some nuggets of wisdom from time to time.  Tonight before I came to bed, he suggested I pray the serenity prayer.  For those who are not familiar with it: God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.  Thy will not mine be done.  The prayer is used in 12 steps rooms and has helped me when I feel there is little more I can do, expect to pray and to accept the circumstances.  This weekend has been emotional.  Last night I had dinner with Amanda and Joey and felt we ended the night in a positive way.  But there was little communication from either of them today, I was not sure what to expect.  I had dinner with Emma Tess who has been with me through thick and thin, there was not one moment when she made an ultimatum, it’s either us or her.  And both Meli and I know how the divorce is still fresh and painful, but we are making plans to marry.  I asked her last January if she would marry me, so it should not be a surprise to any of my children that we will get married.  I listened to their fears.  I know they love me, but I don’t like hearing, if I really loved them, I would not get married.  The fear is that I will go away and not be a part of their lives.  The move to Pennsylvania was not easy since I was moving away from my parents, sisters and more importantly my children, but it is more expensive to live here and they understand, but it doesn’t make it any easier.  I can’t run out to pick up Bella from school if she needs me; it will take more than three hours – at least – to get to her.  But I have not abandoned them. Yes, I live in Pennsylvania, but I am still part of their lives – as best as I can be and as best as they want me in their lives.  I visit Long Island at least every other week and see the kids, the one or ones willing to see me.  So, it’s true, the serenity prayer is perfect for tonight, especially knowing most of my children are suffering in their own way, with the divorce, with knowing I am engaged and with the possibility, I will be married to someone other than their mom.  I will always be there for each of them as much as they are willing to accept me for who I am and who I choose to be with.

Thank you for reading this.

Lessons on Twenty Years of marriage

7/6/14 21:14

Last week Ali and I celebrated twenty years of marriage.  Twenty years.  In these twenty years we have had four children who have been blessings in our lives.   But married couples with children have a tendency to lose their identities.  Their focus is more on…the kids… building the children, creating them in our own image if I can be so bold as to suggest such a statement.  We want them to appreciate our tastes – let’s say in music.  Their choices should be similar to ours.  Each of our children know REM very well and have joined us on at least one pilgrimage to Athens GA.  But there is more to sharing good music and to having children for any relationship to last twenty years.  Yes, we have been through some very difficult times.  Some of them could break many couples, but when we would consider breaking up (nothing serious kids) we think of the children or did we?  There is more to "us" than the kids.  I love my wife very much and cannot think that anything can be the last straw.  We have learned an important lesson - we can get over the tough times– they don’t last.  But we have adapted and grown together through these past two decades.  Sure, we are different from when we first met. Thank God!  In a strange way, we lost our identities when becoming parents, but we lost what we were before we were married.  What was it like before we were married?  It’s been too long.  Who was I?  Do I miss the opportunity to meet a buxom blonde? No.  Do I miss the freedom to run away with the buxom woman? What would I be running away from?  I forget; it’s been too long since I had that freedom or even desired it.  Well, OK, YES, there is the fleeting…and I will admit it…enticing… commercials for Victoria’s Secret during holidays, have you seen the blonde - but let me get back to this.  Who wants the maddening mind games and the insecurities?  Is that what it was like before Ali came into my life?  I feel for you - those who have not found that love or ever fell in love.  Falling in love is a humbling experience.  If you marry, you need to learn to have a balanced approach.  You can’t be the enforcer and expect love.  That sort of love doesn't last.  Instead you gradually learn…you change.  You not only allow a sense of vulnerability but the awareness of losing yourself.  So there are the early struggles.  The ego wants whatever it demands.  You may feel you're not going to change.  If you don’t release yourself and truly discover the ideal of “married couple”…you will eventually be left all alone by yourself and never learn what it means to be a happily married couple.  Another lesson…. respect.  You need respect.  Without respect we would have lost the love.  I hear the skeptics, maybe we continued for decades out of fear of being alone?  It is not.  I can honestly write that I am in love - as much – maybe more (if love is measured) as I was twenty years ago.  I am married to the most beautiful woman.  My wife is stunning.  But there is more to her her beauty.  She has an amazing intellect and I have been a witness to her blossoming - from an eighteen year-old college freshman - to the woman who I have the honor of sharing my life and children with.  She has been very supportive and has put up with a lot of my shit… but she is right beside me.  We have both learned what forgiveness means in this lasting relationship.  We are human and prone to make mistakes.  Mistakes happen and in twenty years…it’s likely.  So here’s another lesson, don’t focus on mistakes.  You cannot change the past.  Let it go.  Why wallow in misery?  Life is too short.  There is the term, unconditional love.  I have to say Ali and I have it.  We move on with each blessed day together.  We continue to learn what wonderful lessons our relationship has in store for us.  Tonight, like every night I will hear the words which resonate under the ceiling of stars; an expressed love which will be as fresh as it was the first time...all of those light years away…

Thank you for reading this.

Promotion with a purpose

It’s a new year. Not only that, but it’s a new decade. We can shake off the…what would you call the last decade – darn it’s not like the sixties or the seventies. The two thousands? And now getting into the tens and elevens and such. I made a promise to myself that I would look into ways to promote Killer Commute beginning this month. Here’s the thing, we get so excited about the potential – the endless possibilities that our future holds. But when it gets time to work…some of us falter. I’m guilty of it. Like I said I made a promise to myself. This time it’s going to be different. I proved I can write a novel. I proved that I can get it accepted. Let me add a few stories were accepted for some web sites as well. All of this takes time, and now is the next bold step. Promote Killer Commute and myself as a novelist. I think of my grandmother who said, “Self praise is no praise.” But this is different. I’m not praising myself, but instead the novel. It’s a great book that appeals to a large segment of our society – the commuters on the train.
I’m writing this on the train. I’m not in my usual seat with Mike the cop across the aisle from me. Just put my iPod in my ear since we’re approaching St James and there’s one character that gets on and used to sit next to me. The ear phones are in, and listening to Echo’s A Promise. There are a lot of people getting on. And guess what…he sits next to me.
Let’s talk about dedicating time. This is what I need to follow up on. So Champaign mentioned I should get into chat rooms or something similar. Mention the book. There is also an article in the Daily News that pertains to commuting and this would be a great outlet. I will submit the essay to the Long islander. I can talk to Katherine at work since she used to work there. My friend who is sitting across from me doesn’t know why I’m not talking to him. Dude, I’m working here. “I’m walking here!” Ratso Ritzo yells out and bangs the hood of the taxi. We’re in Smithtown and I’m babbling. I don’t mean to waste your time with babble. So there’s the article in the Long Islander and the Daily News. I will locate some mystery chat rooms. Come to think of it, perhaps an interview with my friend across the pond? Next week I plan on speaking at Toastmasters about writing the book and getting it published. There’s a few things right there.
So what does it take to promote? It takes some assistance from others. What about my Father-In-Law who does PR for the school district? I need to ask Ali what she thinks.
Before you know it, the novel is published. This is anticipated for a June 2010 release. Before then I would like to have some book stores lined up for a reading and signing. Any yet Champaign wants us to focus on the EBOOK. The almighty EBOOK that would be more profitable for all of us. There are a few Kindle readers on the train, but by far most of us read books. We like feeling the weight of a book in our hands, creasing the papers, lending it to others and eventually storing it our shelves.
“I’m jumbled up…maybe I’m losing my touch…but you know I didn’t have it any other way…” Echo and The Bunnymen - Rescue.
My friend sat down right next to me. Don’t know why, but I got up and moved my seat across from him. The train is going to be packed. I should move my bag that’s on the seat next to me. I should. If someone asks I will move it.
So, where will I start? Putting together a list of mystery book stores in the area. These includes Pennsylvania and Mass….check web sites for Mystery Press readers groups and share the good news about Killer Commute….a unique mystery for the commuter…
We’re pulling out of Kings Park. I get off in Huntington, but I really don’t want to lift my head up. My fellow commuter is just hanging on and waiting for the moment when we can make eye contact and he can say something about my laptop and he can tell me about his and his music and his music systems for his DJing gigs – I heard it. Let me write and look up a few times…
”What are you writing?” You must be busy with work.”
The train is moving through a slight snow shower. Blowing white strands on the rusty tracks. Inside the commuters are maintaining the silence. Stuck in their distinct worlds, caring less about the person just inches from their bodies. Northport…and this is where the most get on board. They are waiting outside the door, and slowly making their way inside, walking up the three steps.

Next day, and I’m home sitting in the dining room typing this. One of our cats is cleaning herself in the sun flowing in like a stretched rectangle. It’s quiet in this house. At this moment. Today is Bella’s birthday. She’s the youngest and so full of life. I want to prove to all of my children our dreams can be fulfilled with hard work, being responsible and faith in God…live a life with purpose…