Christmas in Costa Rica

Christmas 2019 Tilaran, Costa Rica 20:17

We woke up together.  Our first Christmas morning.  It was early.  We watched the end of a movie that we started last night.  Got up and made pancakes for her parents, her mother had a difficult time letting me cook the pancakes, she wanted to help in her own way, but finally let me take the reins.  Her father enjoyed the pancakes with an enchilada.  The windows were open, letting in a warm breeze and somehow I felt different.  This was the first Christmas in 34 years that I was away from the Gordon’s, but overall felt very welcome, loved and appreciated.  Called Mom and Dad and sent texts to Dave, Eileen and Shea and Emma Tess.  Meli and I played basketball.  Helped with the bar-b-que, her grandparents came over.  Her sisters and their significant others also came over.  I am sitting in the bedroom alone, feeling tired and a little homesick.  Meli can tell by my eyes that something is up.  And I tried to explain.  I am feeling frustrated with myself, for my lack of Spanish and the frustration the family must feel trying to include me in their games and conversations.  Her father showed me his collection of cash from Central and South America, the different currencies, coins and we exchange a word here and there.  Her mother also gets frustrated with herself when she does not know a word in English.  Meli on the other hand can rattle off the words and hardly has a difficult time.  I will study Spanish.  Last night I thought, if I am serious, I need to learn the language, every day!  Meli and I walked up to the church to pray in the chapel.  On the way back, she asked if I was nervous about our marriage.  The only thing, I am nervous about is my lack of Spanish since I have to say a few things in Spanish, like my vows.  At least part of it.  Everything will work out.  I may a little tired, there is not a place I can go to, to have a few minutes with my thoughts and I am grateful for this opportunity to share a few things.

Gratitude: For a lovely family, for Meli, For my health, For my family back on Long Island, For sobriety

Thank you for reading this.

12 17 19 Out of Order in my posting

12/17/19 23:21 East Northport, NY

Not a bad drive from Bethlehem, rain held up to a mist on occasion.  The roads were clear and once I reached the George Washington, a swirling cloud hung over Manhattan.  I have been hacking for the last couple of days and need to get into bed early tonight.  Tomorrow, I may sleep in.  Let’s see what’s on the schedule. 

Gratitude: Jimi Hendrix, Fire live at Woodstock, Meli’s smile, Sober, arrived safely, my children

Thoughts in the afternoon

12/19/19 East Northport, NY 14:55

Mom is resting on the love seat in the den.  Mom had a lot of energy this morning and she wanted to chat with me, but I was working.  I am in my own world, it is the same – especially the day before a trip. There were a couple of errands which I did and I am back in the room, feeling somewhat anxious.  I am not present.  Dad will drive me to the train station and I will be off to Queens to spend a few hours in the Courtyard across from JFK.  Paying a lot of money for those few hours.  Tomorrow morning, I will be up very early, maybe 3:30.  Yes, at that time since my flight is leaving at 6:13 in the morning.  Yesterday I was thinking, why the heck did I book a flight so early?  Because Meli is getting into San Jose tomorrow and we will take a bus from the airport to her town.  Why couldn’t I have flown out on Saturday?  I looked at the flights and they were more expensive.  I want to spend as much time as possible with her.  The timer has gone off and mom will wake up from her nap.  She is fragile.  Before I leave, I will do a double check to confirm I have everything.  Passport, check.  Divorce paperwork?  Check.  I can’t wait to be with Meli.  This will be a long trip for us, over two weeks.  Thank God. Last night, I had dinner with Emma Tess and Matt.  At first we were at Chili’s. I sat down.  My ring finger on my left hand felt numb. It was pale and discolored.  I thought it was a blood clot, and was worried I may have to cancel the trip.  Not the case, it was something minor, Raynaud phenomenon.  Paid $50 for the clinic and we went to California Pizza for dinner. I bought a Christmas card for Em and will send her money tomorrow, after I get paid.  I’ll leave here in an hour or so.  It’s funny, earlier dad asked what time I was leaving and I said, 5 PM.  “There’s not a train at 5.”  I looked it up, Dad checked his paper schedule, “It leaves at 4:53.” I was close.  The man is very rigid and I realized both of my parents are control freaks, but I love them.  Love them.  Really do.

Thank you for reading this.   

Last Winter run in Bethlehem in 2019

12/16/19 22:45 Bethlehem, PA

I went for a run tonight.  It was dark.  I wore black sweat pants, black gloves, but my new pullover is green and reflects lights.  While I was out in the cool air I realized this may be my last run this year in the US.  No doubt, the last run in Bethlehem in 2019.  Tomorrow night, I am finishing packing and driving back to Long Island.  Getting closer to my trip to Costa Rica, flying out on an early 6:15 flight out of JFK.  My life in the sun will begin on Friday afternoon.  Sun beating on me in San Jose, Costa Rica.  I’ll meet Meli at the airport.  After clearing immigration, we will be together.  Rings in my bag.  My suit for our wedding packed in my luggage with my new black shores.  Getting married on the lake, and the serene idea that this is eternal, like a deep breath, carrying us to a grace.  So, I ran down to the Steel Stacks since that was part of my goals today.  I stopped to see a display that is open on the weekends.  There were trees and ice sculptures.  There were girls taking pictures and one said it was cold, but I disagreed as sweat dribbled from my face in the frigid air.  I was alone.  I could not believe the lack of security, there were reefs for sale and yard banners, bells, and anyone could have swept them up and ran off with the decorations.  But there is no crime in Christmas city.  I got back on the road after taking some pictures and crossed the bridge and back up N New Street.  The city was quiet.  It was evening and I was hungry, but kept running.  I missed meditation tonight.  I wanted to go, but my run was longer.  I read tonight, it was another one of my goals.  I can feel my body easing towards to bed.  The last night in Bethlehem for this year.  Kind of sad, but why?  I don’t know.  I am tired.  Listening to Talking Heads, this must be the place.

Gratitude:

1)      Sober

2)      Bob Dylan, If Not for you

3)      Bethlehem

4)      Meli’s smile

5)      Health

Thank you for reading this

illuminated bags in Bethlehem

12/15/19 23:06 Bethlehem, PA

Walked up to the Moravian Bookstore and bought glass Moravian star ornaments which I saw last year.  My soon to be mother-in-law and my soon to be sister-in-law will get the other.  As I walked back I noticed illuminated white bags on the sidewalks in front of Moravian College.  There was another block, down the road from the school, neighbors were out lighting their candles and talking to one another as a light breeze blew.  I came back home.  Bought pizza across the street, and it was delicious.  With a Pepsi, it was very delicious.  Back out a couple of hours later.  Back to Marshall"s since I need new black shoes and I found a pair.  And discovered more presents.  My other sister-in-law is getting a 1000 piece puzzle of Frieda Kahlo.  Sneakers for my soon to be niece.  And a few things for Meli since it will be our first Christmas morning together and I wanted to make sure she has a few things to open.  And I am grateful.  She is grateful.  I used my Marshall’s credit card.  I used a couple of credit cards lately and I will pay the off since I don’t want to be in debt. It’s nice to have the fleeting thought; it’s only plastic and it’s not hitting my savings.  Sure, denial as long as possible.  I drove back, talking with Meli and sharing the sight of the candles and said, we will see all of this together…next year.

Thank you for reading this.

T Monk Ugly Beauty

12/14/19 23:33

Starting this piece at the same time as last night.  Watching T Monk documentary on Netflix, saw this in the New Community in Huntington when it first came out.  Charlie Rouse.  Round Midnight.  Barry Harris, saw him recently at the Village Vanguard.  Dual pianos.  Clint Eastwood produced and directed this.  It’s a clear example of how an opposite can create something so appealing to the bebop and jazz cool cats.

Thank you for reading this.

Either Change or else

12/13/19 23:33 Bethlehem, PA

Tonight, I was busy at a meeting. I came home after it and watched Marc Maron on Netflix.  Ate a pint of ice cream and it was delicious.  I have not seen Maron’s standup and will watch another show.  It was alright.  But I feel like I am reflecting his shtick.  Just alright.  There were a few times I laughed, lots of smiles, but it was alright.  I am debating on buying a ticket to see him live in Huntington or hang on to the money because I should save the money for someone who I really want to see.  Eckhart Tolle is speaking in Boston, that would be worth it.  But that means a hotel and I would like to invite Mo Cheeks, as long as we are talking to one another. That’s two tickets and a hotel.  It would be nice to visit Boston in June.  Anyway, I am deflecting.  Received my annual review and it did not go very well.  Needs improvement.  Sounds like I am in back in school, this comment was the common response from my teachers.  Michael, needs improvement.  I agreed on the points, I can improve in areas and for the rest of the day I was fixated on the possibility I was going to get fired in the near future.  Let’s get through Christmas and kick him to the curb in January.  This was their way to set the course so the day it does happen, you’re fired, will not be a surprise.  I can either accept that defeatist attitude or admit my mistakes and make every effort to improve.  Either run and hide or work my ass off and get better. It’s pretty simple and I recall the President saying to me today, “I have confidence in you.”  So, off to a new and better direction.  As long as I set the course and take action.

Thank you for reading this.