Patience, seldom found in a woman, never found in a man

10/14/19 9:54 PM Bethlehem, PA

My grandma’s birthday today.  This is a quote she would say, “Patience, seldom found in a woman, never found in a man.”  True words of wisdom from grandma.  I don’t write about her as often as I should.  There have been short stories and poems about my grandda, but wait a second.  I wrote about the last time I saw grandma when I was flying back from Ireland. 

I went to a Zen meditation tonight, it’s around the corner at Moravian.  It’s called Middle Way, the format follows Thich Nhat Hahn's Sangha.  What is Buddha nature?  That was tonight’s question.  My initial response was Buddha Nature flows through me when I am creative, when a poem flows or a sentence is created by…the spirit.  That can be Buddha nature. 

Each of us has the capacity to get in touch with our Buddha nature, but often we feel we should discover this concept outside of ourselves.  One of the great lessons this year was, the answer is within.  What a frightening concept, to take the time and let the mind settle and discover ourselves, to be compassionate to ourselves.  But it takes an effort.  It’s not easy and we all know it is far easier to break the horror of discovery with an iPhone or some other distraction.  Thinking of Marlon Brando in Apocalypse Now, “The horror.”  But we need to rise from the mud to shine in the light.

Yesterday, I was triggered.  I was feeling alone and wanted to revert back to my old habits.  I stopped myself and asked, how would I feel after I did those things?  Resentment. Ashamed. I let my emotions or worse, my compulsion to control my life.  Compulsion is a rough one.  It strikes out of the blue.  Go for it, what's the harm?  Addiction is knocking.  I am stronger than that.  It takes discipline and a commitment to a program or more importantly, a commitment to myself.  I have to learn patience.  I have to weed out the thoughts and replace them with love and respect…for myself.  What a strange concept.  I should be strong and resilient, but I know my limitations.  I am being honest with myself.  No, grandma, never is strong word.

Thank you for reading this.