Lessons on Twenty Years of marriage

7/6/14 21:14

Last week Ali and I celebrated twenty years of marriage.  Twenty years.  In these twenty years we have had four children who have been blessings in our lives.   But married couples with children have a tendency to lose their identities.  Their focus is more on…the kids… building the children, creating them in our own image if I can be so bold as to suggest such a statement.  We want them to appreciate our tastes – let’s say in music.  Their choices should be similar to ours.  Each of our children know REM very well and have joined us on at least one pilgrimage to Athens GA.  But there is more to sharing good music and to having children for any relationship to last twenty years.  Yes, we have been through some very difficult times.  Some of them could break many couples, but when we would consider breaking up (nothing serious kids) we think of the children or did we?  There is more to "us" than the kids.  I love my wife very much and cannot think that anything can be the last straw.  We have learned an important lesson - we can get over the tough times– they don’t last.  But we have adapted and grown together through these past two decades.  Sure, we are different from when we first met. Thank God!  In a strange way, we lost our identities when becoming parents, but we lost what we were before we were married.  What was it like before we were married?  It’s been too long.  Who was I?  Do I miss the opportunity to meet a buxom blonde? No.  Do I miss the freedom to run away with the buxom woman? What would I be running away from?  I forget; it’s been too long since I had that freedom or even desired it.  Well, OK, YES, there is the fleeting…and I will admit it…enticing… commercials for Victoria’s Secret during holidays, have you seen the blonde - but let me get back to this.  Who wants the maddening mind games and the insecurities?  Is that what it was like before Ali came into my life?  I feel for you - those who have not found that love or ever fell in love.  Falling in love is a humbling experience.  If you marry, you need to learn to have a balanced approach.  You can’t be the enforcer and expect love.  That sort of love doesn't last.  Instead you gradually learn…you change.  You not only allow a sense of vulnerability but the awareness of losing yourself.  So there are the early struggles.  The ego wants whatever it demands.  You may feel you're not going to change.  If you don’t release yourself and truly discover the ideal of “married couple”…you will eventually be left all alone by yourself and never learn what it means to be a happily married couple.  Another lesson…. respect.  You need respect.  Without respect we would have lost the love.  I hear the skeptics, maybe we continued for decades out of fear of being alone?  It is not.  I can honestly write that I am in love - as much – maybe more (if love is measured) as I was twenty years ago.  I am married to the most beautiful woman.  My wife is stunning.  But there is more to her her beauty.  She has an amazing intellect and I have been a witness to her blossoming - from an eighteen year-old college freshman - to the woman who I have the honor of sharing my life and children with.  She has been very supportive and has put up with a lot of my shit… but she is right beside me.  We have both learned what forgiveness means in this lasting relationship.  We are human and prone to make mistakes.  Mistakes happen and in twenty years…it’s likely.  So here’s another lesson, don’t focus on mistakes.  You cannot change the past.  Let it go.  Why wallow in misery?  Life is too short.  There is the term, unconditional love.  I have to say Ali and I have it.  We move on with each blessed day together.  We continue to learn what wonderful lessons our relationship has in store for us.  Tonight, like every night I will hear the words which resonate under the ceiling of stars; an expressed love which will be as fresh as it was the first time...all of those light years away…

Thank you for reading this.