Peenus Picture in Bethlehem

11/30/19 22:48 Bethlehem, PA

It’s my first night back in over a week.  Meli and I were on the phone a little while ago, there are questions about how Ali and I lived together for so long.  Instead of elaborating here, I will say that we tried to make the best of the situation we were in.  When I was younger, I had a tendency to romanticize the struggles we encountered, the economic hardship of the young writer with a drinking problem and a wandering eye.  The irresponsible man who liked to avoid any confrontation and felt somewhere or someone would drop down from the skies and have the ability to take him out of the life he was leading.  25 years later, I am wiser. I am trying to learn how to take care of my life, put some order into it.  It’s not just the kids, but also my ex and my parents and siblings.  I am discovering that I can make it.  Meli has been able to share her progress, she’s very independent.  Years ago that would have threatened me, I assumed to have a healthy relationship there must be some sort of dependency.  Balance was leaning to the person in-charge.  But this is not the case.  We are forging a real union based on equals.  Based on respect and love.  When I arrived back here this morning, I believe I arrived in a little over two hours from Long Island, maybe that’s a new record. Soon, I was running into the chores.  Laundry, water the plants, get out for a long run cause it’s going to snow tomorrow, who knows when I can get in a run again?  Go!  I ran for over ten miles today.  It felt great, I had the energy and could have went on for more, but wanted to speak to Meli.  Take clothes from washing machine, throw in dryer, check lint, food shopping, dry cleaner, work on my power point, take a shower.  It’s almost 11:00 and I am beat.  I will work on the new novel and eventually get to sleep.  But it is odd being back here.  I didn’t see a movie and maybe tomorrow is better?  It’s time to get ready for bed.  Maybe it’s time to check out the 6:30 AM meeting in the morning, if it’s not snowing too much.  Maybe not.

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Everything is gong to be alright

11/29/19 20:33 East Northport, NY

Today, was a day of reading, I’ve been reading Stephen King’s End of Watch, the second book in the Bill Hodges/Mr. Mercedes trilogy.  I did not step outside.  I had a nap in the afternoon on the love seat in the den, had good calls with my brother and Emma Tess.  Made and cancelled plans for my dad’s 80^th birthday party for next weekend.  He does not want to celebrate being 80 and we will respect his decision.  We are similar.  We don’t want to be the center of attention and a birthday is a solo event, it’s a reminder, you’re old and 80 is old, there’s no two ways to slice it.  We wanted to celebrate and show dad our love and appreciation.  My parents are set in their own ways, dad likes to get dressed up for the cold weather, puts in a knit cap, gloves, thick jacket and walks around the yard picking up pine cones.  It is something to do, sort of mindless and Zen like.  There will always be pine cones or twigs to pick up.  Each trip outside is an adventure into the unknown.  Mom likes to voyage out into the yard as well to take in deep breaths, to get in a bit of air into the lungs.  But I stayed here in this spot through the day and ma made the comment, I don’t think I saw you this relaxed in a long time.  I watched the sun pass from day and fade into the early night.  It was one day to veg as we’d say in this house.  Tomorrow morning, I will pack and drive back to Bethlehem.  It has been awhile since I was back at the house.  I need to go food shopping and pick up some dry cleaning.  Need to finalize a presentation for work.  Need to catch up on some emails.  And just maybe I will go out and see a movie, by myself.  Meli is out tonight, at a women’s event and I am happy for her, the event is how to speak to children who are going through divorce.  She cares so much about my children and wants them to know, they will be loved and accepted into our home whenever they visit or can stay as long as they’d like.  We will always welcome them with a warm smile and cup of tea.  Everything will be alright.  This is a transition and lately there has been pain with the idea that Dad is getting married.  Their pain stems from the past and from the fear of the future.  But I am not going anywhere, I will always make myself available to each of them.

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Grateful to be Divorced

11/28/19 22:34 East Northport: Thanksgiving

I love my children.  Being divorced has strained my relationship at one time or another with all or a few of my kids.  They are not kids or children, but young adults.  Their ages are, 25, 23, 18 and 16.  My oldest is attending North Eastern Law, the second oldest will take a semester off from Stony Brook, my 18 year-old attends LaSell University and my 16 year-old attends high school.  Soon after being kicked out, I was told that I will always be the “bad guy” in my children's eyes and my 23 year-old said, “Dad, you’re never going to win.”  It took many months to shake off the belief that my kids were going to love me, regardless of how their mother may have felt.  I ignored their feelings, I tried to hide from their suffering.  We are still suffering in our own ways, and yet I have to say, I am grateful for being divorced.  I don’t mean to suggest for a moment, that I don’t care about my kids, I do.  They may not want to accept that.  I remind myself, I will always be the bad guy and I will never win.  It’s like a broken record.  Most of them do not recognize the good in me.  I know I am a good, decent man who had made mistakes.  But I am not the person who raised them when they were younger.  I was more selfish and lived with a lot fear and anxiety. Insecurities were over flowing from my cup and I fought like hell to keep some order in the house.  I was strict at times, but not always.  I shirked responsibilities like a pro. There was manipulation and passive aggressive tactics, that made my head spin, most of this was directed to my ex.  There was deceit.  There was a compartmentalized life that was out of control.  There was no direction, I was not sure who I was, but I knew deep down I was not happy.  I was not happy with my life.  And I sought to run and escape in many different forms that were not creative or that did not express self-love and self-compassion.  Only after the divorce and joining a 12 step program have I learned not be fearful.  Fearful of other’s opinions.  Including my children.  I am learning how to appreciate and value the life I am creating for myself.  I am taking care of myself through better eating, exercise, meditation and listening to motivational podcasts.   I have met someone for the first time, me.  I have met another for the first time, a woman who I love, adore and respect.  Meli has helped me on this path and we walk it together as best friends.  There will be bumps in the road and there will be the insecurities, but as long as I am aware of my thought patterns and protect myself from unhealthy thoughts or toxic people, I will be in a better place.  We look forward to sharing our lives together and welcome our family to take part.  On December 29^th, Meli and I are getting married.  I am looking forward to sharing my life with my best friend.  We will both be free to discover the joys in life.  I could not experience anything like this before.  I have a new freedom.  Instead of living for the acceptance or insatiable recognition from others, the answer as my Zen teacher said, is within.  Here's some advise dear reader, stop living in fear and jump into the world.  It is a beautiful place to discover; if you open your heart and mind.

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I'm coming out

11/27/19 21:37 East Northport, NY

Years ago before having kids and getting married, this night would have been a packed school reunion down at Gunther’s Tap Room on Main Street.  I should check if the Scofflaws are playing there this weekend.  Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, there are reports that the winds will be too strong and there won’t be any floats in the Macy’s parade.  We used to bring the kids to that event when all of us were younger.  I recall one year, looking up at the building we were next to and seeing Jerry Seinfeld in his apartment looking down on all of us and the parade.  We froze.  Mr. Seinfeld was standing in his roomy apartment and enjoyed the comforts of home.  Tomorrow will be different for another reason; I don’t think any of the kids will be visiting this family.  Some are planning to run a 5 K Turkey Trot.  I have not run a Turkey Trot for years and just maybe I’ll head out and get in a run tomorrow.  Not a race, but a run.  I want to sleep in and rest since the days have been long.  I arrived back here at 1:30 Monday morning, slept four hours and was back to work.  And talking about work, it has been very busy.  The crush before the holiday.  There is the emotional release, of trying to be honest with the life I am leading.  Take a stand, have courage and fuck fear in plain English.  For too long I have been frightened of what others may think of me.  Too bad.  This is it.  Be bold and be proud.  Meli said it was like a gay person coming out of the closet, and I can see the similarities, I can feel the freedom and shaking off the shame.  There is no need for shame as long as I creating a better life for myself and others.  I am happier and there is no shame in being happy.

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While Flying Back from Mexico City on Sunday Night

11/24/19 19:14 34,941 feet above the Gulf of Mexico

Meli and I fell asleep early last night.  She said it was before 2200 but I would like to think we made it to the 2200 hour.  We hung out with a couple of her friends from work as well as her roommate Dani.  We saw a light show in the city.  It was in an open space, people were either laying on their backs on the floor or if they were lucky they had a lounge chair.  It was promoted to be an hour, but it was only a half hour. Ethereal music pulsed, lights appeared like moons and space ships. Mirrors reflected columns of golden light like tunnels that either fell on some of us.  A few kids chased after the tunnels and smiled as if warmed by the light.  After that dinner and drinks.  Meli and I had a veggie meal.  I had two mojetos and Meli ordered one.  I finished half of hers which may be the reason for the early night.  The light weight that I am.  Hitting some turbulence and I know like a breath it will dissipate and it does as I type.  I am in a strange mood, missing Meli already and dealing with an email that was disturbing.  But like the turbulence and the breath, I need to settle down my thoughts.  Meli was great, very supportive.  She made a delicious lunch today, fish and vegetables.  We said grace before eating, same as this morning over pancakes and coffee.  And now I am heading back to New York.  Tomorrow is going to be an early day workday. I am not prepared as much as I should be.  

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We climbed a mountain for Meli's birthday

11/23/19 10:20 Mexico City

Meli is taking a shower.  We are supposed to be at her friend’s apartment in ten minutes.  We had a late start.  Yesterday, we went to Tepoztlan which is an hour bus ride from the terminal.  We raced to make the 12:00 and laughed at how we are always running to make either a flight or a bus, and we made it.  We always make it.  After getting off the bus, we took a taxi to the center of town, noticed an outdoor market and ate a delicious lunch, brunch, breakfast all wrapped up into one at Les Colores.  It is a beautiful place, wonderful decorations and a warm setting.  I’m still on my no meat diet, so I ate a cheese and veggie wrap, and another cheese dish with rice and tomato sauce.  Two beers and I was ready for our little expedition up the mountain.  We passed street vendors, dogs sleeping on the ground, and proceeded on the path, but the path became rocks and at times smooth rocks.  I would not want to risk the hike in the rain and will avoid it as any cost at night.  The trial was steep at times, went through lush jungle and all the while, people were either passing us or we stopped for breaks.  Since I run, I assumed it would not be a problem, but the sweat was dripping off.  Meli’s back has been bothering her, so we took a few breaks.  Many breaks.  I collected flowers, which I always do as a keepsake for a new place that we visited.  After more than an hour, we reached the entrance, only to find steep metal stairs, and more steep steps till we reached the top.  The view from the top was spectacular, to be that close to the peak, to see out on the horizon, to hear the faint music from the town, the church bells.  We rested for a little while.  On top of the mountain is a Mayan, architectural site; a pyramid which we climbed.  There was a man mediating, three women who brought crystal skulls with them chanted something and we tried to walk around the ledge of the pyramid, until Meli said don’t look down.  I looked.  I panicked, which was recorded for our children, it’s funny.  And we made our way back down.  Going down, more breaks.  Birds were singing, jungle birds which I never heard before.  And we finally got back into the town, had ice cream and took a taxi back to the bus stop and waited for the next bus to take us back to Mexico City.  And that my friends, was our first birthday together.   

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Cultivating the goodness

11/22/19 10:59 Mexico City

It’s my love’s birthday today.  This first birthday we are spending together.  I love waking up next to Melissa, there is so much love.  Another example of the long distance relationship is savoring each morning. I am here.  Feeling better since I was buzzed from the wine last night.  I had a beer at the apartment, I was thirsty.  We strolled around the neighborhood last night. There was a vendor selling Christmas lights, men walking their dogs, joggers running around the park, men playing soccer or basketball.  And we bought water, made tea and fell asleep.  It’s warm here, 70 degrees, actually very warm at this time in the morning.  Ma and Pa called to sing happy birthday to Meli and she wants to call them later so we can have a chat.  Let’s see how that will work out.  Ma loves to chat, but only on her schedule, let me take that back.  There have been a few occasions when I would call and she would ask if I needed to talk, get whatever it was off my mind.  No, we are good.  I had one of those moments last night when we were leaving the airport, was I going to get fired?  I have this running monologue. I read an email and misconstrue it and let the false message or scene fester in the dark regions of doubt and fear.  Let me be blunt, it is low self-esteem.  It was one of those moments.  Meli was able to reassure me, but I need to reassure myself and fill my mind with positive attributions, look at the good I have caused. Look at the business I have brought to my company.  And it is only a start. Because, even the external influences can be limited.  Deep down I know I am the only one who can recognize my God given gifts.  Each of us has unique God given gifts that we can cultivate.  I love writing and hope this message can inspire – in spirit others.

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