Divorced Dad

12/7/19 19:26 East Northport, NY

I ran over 8 miles today.  It was a rare run when people were out, walking dogs or just out for a walk since the weather is supposed to turn for the worst on Monday and Tuesday.  I’ll drive back to Bethlehem on Monday after my therapy appointment.  Had an early dinner with Emma and the word is that the kids are grudgingly accepting me for who I am. They realize that they cannot change me and there was a snide comment about my priorities.  I don’t live my life seeking my children’s permission.  I am doing the best I can.  I am responsible, providing alimony, child support and even more money when I am asked.  I am not shirking that.  My life is not easy.  I am making the best of it, but I would not change who I am compared to who I was when I was married to their mother.  I was miserable.  Friends from the church said it.  My colleagues from work said it, but it never resonated within me.  Things will get better or now is not a good time was my motto.  Yes, I was selfish and made some horrible mistakes, letting people into my life who were toxic and did not give a shit about me.  I want to be clear, there were people, not just one or two.  They played a good game, but I knew I could not trust them.  Ali and I discussed divorce for years, but I did not do anything about it.  I would use it like a threat, hoping things would change. Instead of having the courage to proceed with a divorce, I ran away from it like a frightened child, running away from the reality and back into the toxic escapes.  It's all in my past. I value the knowledge of these experiences.  Never again.

   

I am marrying a beautiful woman, inside and out.  I have never been this close to anyone in my life.  I am grateful to have Meli.  I trust her and am comfortable, we respect one another and are deeply in love.  I look forward to many years, decades together. My children can either accept it and discover my life with appreciation or they can continue to fester in resentment.  This is a sad fact about divorce; especially with children. In some ways, getting a divorce with younger children may be easier, their lives will be unsettled, but eventually they accept the new norm and grow up in that setting.  With older kids, there is the constant reminder that Mom and Dad are not married anymore. Life is drastically different.  Dad does not live here anymore and there is a hole in their lives that was filled, through challenging times, through happy times and through family times.  Holidays are a painful reminder to the hole.  Like a death in the family and yet I am still here.  Still very much alive and willing to be a part of their lives - if they are willing to accept my life. 

Thank you for reading this.