Bella's Birthday

1/9/20

It’s Bella’s birthday.  She is not talking to me, although I wished her a happy birthday this morning via text. There was no response.  I am not feeling sorry for myself.  It's reality. For a couple of years after the marriage ended, I was wracked with guilt.  There was a continuous cycle of living away from the kids and finding the battles with depression and loneliness.  For some I failed as a father and a husband.  I held onto that belief for a long time.  But until I started defining who I wanted to be and cultivate an inner joy and compassion, I continued to rely on the opinions of others.  There is little I can do except to cast out a line and wait to see what the response would be.  Once a week I tried to make plans to see them, to let them know I love them, take them out to dinner or anything, to have the time.  So it is Bella’s birthday.  Last year she responded that she did not want to talk and gave me a cease and desist.  So, I ceased and then the pot began boiling, where is he?  He never calls or contacts us?  He is living his life and abandoned us?  He doesn’t care about us. I went for a run earlier.  I went in the cold and night.  I spoke to Lou and Jason and shared with them this message, life is too short, be happy.  I am not hurting anyone.  It’s my daughter’s birthday and I would love to talk to her.  The pain is too great for her to listen or hear the message about happiness or to understand this gift called life is too short.

Thank you for reading this.