Divorced Dad Walks through the woods and thinks

11/16/19 15:55 East Northport, NY

My fingers are numb since I took a walk through the VA woods.  The air is brisk, sun is setting, and the blue jays are scattered about.  Listened to Aretha Franklin and John Coltrane on Spotify.  Saw a hawk in the distance, and took it as a sign that I am on the right path today.  Earlier, Meli and I had an open conversation about the kids and how they may react to the news of our wedding.  I have a fear of confrontation, rejection, abandonment and avoid all of those emotions for the most part.  Not all of the time. How can I grow if I avoid them?  Face the fear.  I don’t want to hurt the kids.  I am not doing anything malicious.  It is not my intention to harm them, and yet the scenario I have been hearing is that I will destroy them, ruin their lives, face the potential that they will not talk to me.  But that is their choice.  Amanda is planning to take a solo trip to France.  I am flying back to Mexico on Thursday.  Those are our plans for the near future.  Soon it will be Thanksgiving.  Here is what Meli suggested; plan on what you are going to say to the kids.  Plan?  Me?  I don’t plan on business meetings. I am lucky if I have an agenda and I don’t mean to compare talking to my kids to a business meeting.  Her point is valid. Take control.  Yes, they will be upset.  I don’t know if this part of our culture, this constant nurturing and taking the easy way, and in some aspects (honestly) the cowardly way.  Anything is better than being honest with myself, with the kids.  I love them, and don’t want to cause any more discomfort.  It has been almost two and a half years since Ali kicked me out.  So, the argument that it is too soon does not hold any water.  The argument that I will ruin them, is not accurate or fair.  I never abandoned my children.  Am I close to all of them?  No.  My sponsor has said, Mike is going to do what Mike wants to do.  I am considerate and yet I have to honor my love and commitment for Meli.  A change in our lives can be upsetting, but we don’t need to avoid it.  I have to be honest. There will be some pain.  Meli and I want to share our lives with my kids.  The idea I will not see them, is not correct.  We will always welcome them to our home.  It is their home as well.  And by the grace of God we can all enjoy time together.

Listening to Wholly Holy by Aretha Franklin

Thank you for reading this.